WHO'S THE BOSS?!

"So I have a friend that I help out by watching her young children, one of which is a special needs child. I have been having them three days a week ranging from 4 to 8 hours each time. When she asked me to watch them she said she would pay me $30 a day unless I had them less than 6 hours, then it would go down to $20. Then she said a week later that if I only have two of her kids then it would be $20 no matter what. Anyway, she just called me last night and said that the day I had all three of her kids, fed them a snack AND dinner, but only had them for 3.5 hours, she is only going to pay me $15 for that day. So she is pretty much getting free babysitting. I am being taken away from my family so much and feel used. Get this, NOW she wants me to drive them to her mom's house which is 15 miles away but still only pay me $15-20 for that day. I have decided that I am the one letting this happen to me. SO today will be the day I tell her what's up...but how?!"

Well, first of all you hit the nail on the head when you said, "I am the one letting this happen to me," because it sounds like she is the one making all the rules. Since when does that happen?! I don't remember EVER taking my child to a babysitter or daycare and saying, "Okay, this is how its going down bitches." Okay, okay, I probably have done that :) However, this is what I would do...and I guess you want to know because you asked me. HA! I would tell her tonight (or tomorrow, no pressure) that you need to talk to her about the babysitting situation y'all have going on. Before you say anything, you need to write down EXACTLY what you want: the hours, the money exchanged, the food prepared, the driving around, etc. And, I have to say I can't believe you would agree to the driving around part. I mean, unless she reeeeeeally needs you to do that, in which case I would make it part of the agreement that she pays extra moolah those days for gas. Furthermore, why can't her mother come get the kids herself?! What the frackety-frack is that all about?! Anyway, I digress...

When you sit down with her let her know that you have no intentions of fighting or getting into a heated discussion about the content of what you are about to say. You have to say this because you are obviously friends with her and this could be a make-it or break-it convo for the ol' friendship. I would tell her that you have a "contract" that you have written up and before she goes all ape shit on you tell her that you are willing to compromise on some things and prepared to negotiate...unless of course, you are not. And, in that case good for you, you have officially grown balls. Then I would tell her straight up that when you told her you would watch her kids you had the best intentions but that you feel as though it has taken a wrong turn somewhere and you are starting to feel taken for granted...this would be when your carefully thought out and FAIR "contract" comes in. YOU tell her what you will be paid, YOU tell her whether you will be driving her kids around, YOU tell her the hours you are available. Telling people how you feel and how it is going to be (especially when you can) is very, very liberating. I'm telling ya, you will feel like a stronger woman. Of course, it could also go to your head like me...I'm a total power tripper now :) If you guys cannot find a common ground or she turns into a major bitch then tell her, "Sorry lady, your footprints are all up and down the back, front, and side of me and I'm DONE. Good luck finding somebody to watch your brats." (I threw in "brats" because all of them really are, I am just the only one that will say it.)

Hopefully, all goes well and if it were me I would have everything neatly written (or even typed) and a place for her to sign at the bottom. I mean, for reals, that is what you have to do at ANY daycare. Then give her a copy and you keep a copy. I know the hardest part for you is the confrontation but it doesn't have to be loud or awkward. I know you can do it, just be your kind self and if she is a bitch.........meh, turn the other cheek. She has enough problems it sounds like and losing you as a friend will be HER loss. Good luck!!!

BURNT CHEETOS

“I tan on a pretty regular basis because I like to maintain my glow year 'round. But, sometimes my friends will either give me shit because I'm so dark or give me shit about skin cancer. What is your take on tanning?"

I used to be a slave to the tanning bed when I was younger. Dude, do you know why?! Because tan fat looks better than white fat, and that is a fact. That's why my bleepety-bleep-bleep pounds of ass still squeezes  into a  two-piece every. damn. summer. I even tried on a one-piece this summer and it just wasn't right, couldn't do it. Anyhoo, I shouldn't say "slave" because I'm an Injun' so it takes me two times in the tanning bed and then I'm outside most of the summer anyway with my twerp. Now, that kid is two different kinds of Injun so you should see how dark he gets...with his little white ass crack always hanging out. Always.

Then I just get white in the winter. Annnnnnnd, I will tell ya why. I should never go in the sun as much as I do because I have totally had Melanoma...yeah, TOTALLY can you believe it?! Caught it early because I have lots of moles and I saw a tiny, little black one on my leg that I never noticed before. Went to get it checked out, next thing I know Dr. Pasty Perfectskin is hacking away at my leg. Had to go in twice to get it all out. Guh-ross, I know. So this is why in the summer I wear so much sunscreen it's ridiculous. Ask all my freeeenz, I have always said, "The best tan you can get is SPF 50!" I'm darker than all them beeeeetches. Anyway, being in the sun/tanning bed/laying in a chair with an aluminum reflector board (I’m putting this last one there in speedos, yup) has been medically proven to cause skin cancer, so grab some shade once in awhile. This biz also causes other sorts of not-fun stuff. Like, getting a suntan moustache…don’t forget the upper lip, girls.

So I guess my advice is to do whatever the hell you want to do but don’t go overboard. I still tan a few times a year usually right before summer because I get all spring fever crazy (and I reeeeeally shouldn’t.) But, I do it because it makes me feel sexier when I’m in my shorty shorts and tank tops, and honestly it feels good to have a minute to yourself in that bed, for reals. But, it’s just like every other good thing in the world, you gotta have it in moderation. BLAH. However, self-control is especially important with tanning! Besides the health risks involved you also have these broads that look like they just had an all out wrestling match with Chester the Cheetah. I want to say, “Step out of the tanning bed, lady.” But not in a mean way…like, in a favor way…like when someone has something green in their teeth and you tell them.  Like that. Okay, I’m all over the place but what I’m trying to get across is do whatever makes you happy…in moderation. My take on life is that it is too damn short to not take risks and do what makes you happy. Every day like it’s the last YO…in moderation.

And…That is WHAT I THINK! HA!

TROLLING FOR HOGS

"So you're a chick...how do I get a chick to go out with me?"

Oh shit, I don't know. You could start by not calling us "chicks" and just open your mouth and ask her. HA! Seriously though, it took He Who Shall Never Be Named six months to get this broad to go out with him. He tried everything. He asked me to the movies, dinner, biking, etc. I turned him down over and over and over. I had bad break-up drama and serious baggage that I needed to work through first (not that you really need that particular info) but you know what finally did it for me? He said, "Okay, this is the LAST TIME I am asking you...will you go skiing with me this weekend?" And I thought to myself, "Really? The LAST TIME huh?!" Wellllll, alright then...and the rest is history. So if you really like this "chick," be persistent. If she starts being a bitch and gets a restraining order on you then back off buddy. Es no bueno, she doesn't like you and move on.

If you do grow a set and ask her to go out with you and she says yes, us "chicks" also like to be wined and dined...with flowers and door opening, all that cheesy shit. Some pretend they don't, but they do. Ask her to dinner, bring flowers when you pick her up, take her somewhere nice, and whatever you do...I'm going to say this again...whatever you do, DO NOT LET HER PICK UP THE TAB. Even if she insists on paying half. This happened to me with He Who Shall Never Be Named and it was a major turnoff because he literally made me pay for half almost every time we went to dinner because I insisted the first time. My fault. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. But his fault too for allowing it to happen. Good thing he was so good in the sack or he would have been dunzo by the third date (yes, I said third date).

Also, cater your dates to what she likes to do, which hopefully are similar to the things you like to do. For example, my man likes to hike up mountains, cycle, go to the river, etc. Outdoorsy biz, ya know. I like to do half of that jazz. Hiking up mountains...meh. Cycling, I love. Going to the river and floating a raft, I love. So he would ask me to do stuff we both liked and when it came to stuff he knew I wouldn't "love" he made it not so hardcore. For example, instead of taking me on a hike where I would almost die halfway through because my body wants whiskey and not water, he would take me on a hike that was almost on level ground and bring a flask :)

The best advice I can give you is to be yourself...even if you're an asshole, because eventually your real self is going to come out and she won't like you anymore if you've been faking all along. And, trust me when I say, there are plenty of idiot women (no offense to the assholes...or idiot women) that like to be with dudes that are assholes. I personally don't get it...probably something with their upbringing but that is a whole other blog entry.Good luck with the hog troll, buddy. And, don't forget STDs are no fun and some are incurable so don't forget the raincoat. And maybe even double up, it's a crazy, wild world out there.

And...THAT IS WHAT I THINK! HA!

FRACKAMAJAZZ PETERSON

“Why do people insist on naming their babies stupid names? I mean, do these people realize that their kids are going to be stuck with them FOREVER?!”

First of all, I think it is hilarious that you are asking a person that named her son MAXIMUS this question. Although, Maximus is a pretty bitchin’ name in my opinion.  And this is where I will begin…it is YOUR opinion that people are naming their kids something stupid. I’m sure other people like their friends’ stupid baby names. Don’t get me wrong, I get what you are saying. I know a few that have given their children some seriously out there names. And the WAY they are spelling them KILLS ME, too. But, who cares? Not me YO.  It’s not your kid that will have to explain to every teacher/friend they ever have how to pronounce it or spell it almost every day of their lives. It’s not your kid that will potentially be beaten up when they attend school in their later years because they have a “stupid” name. For example, my kid is named (not literally, of course) after an ass muscle, gluteus maximus. But, I figure by the time his peers figure out that little tidbit of information he will be in middle school and able to kick their asses. He is a Peterson/Baines, so here’s to hoping he can hold his own around then.

Plain and simple, it’s not your damn kid so let it go maaaaaaan. There is nothing you can do about it unless of course you want to offend someone. Annnnnnnnd, trust that I have done this and it doesn't end well. I made fun of a friend's new car one time and she was pissed at me (you know who you are HAHA). Can you imagine if I made fun of her kid's name?! So buck up and deal with the stupid baby names. You don't have to like the name, you can even hate it but you will put on your fake smile and say, "Oh what a....unique...name." Or you can go the other route and say, "Holy shit, for reals?!" I've done both and I'm just sayin' that the first one goes over waaaaaaaaay better. 

THREE'S COMPANY

"Is it normal to date a girl and be good friends with her best friend? For example, when her best friend spends the night and I find my boxers on her or when she uses my girlfriend's toothbrush and says it should be fine they are best friends. What do you think?"

Hey man, it worked for Jack Tripper, although I think he was secretly gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that...I digress. It sounds like you are semi-okay with this so I'm not sure where the problem lies. As long as you don't mind that her bestie is up in your grill wearing your clothes and potentially using YOUR toothbrush, then share the love homey. However, if you are not okay with the way things are headed then you should man up and say something to your lady. If you don't, you will surely end up hating her best friend. Which really is no good in the long run because if you start hating the best friend the girlfriend will be in the middle. You can't ask a chick to pick between her boy toy and her bestie, it just ain't right. But, you can ask the bestie to respect your boundaries. You and your girl need to get on the same page and set up some limitations.

Soooooo, I have to assume that as of right now your girlfriend is okay with this also? Her bestie always coming around wearing your undies and such? Because this makes me think that maybe your girly might be setting you up for some three way lovin'. No really, just think about it. Maybe your girlfriend plays for both teams bro and one of these nights they are both going to get you liquored up and take complete advantage of your skinny, white body. I know this doesn't sound half bad but trust me when I say that this little scenario doesn't usually play out the way you want it to. Before you know it, your girl and her bestie are leaving your pasty ass and taking half your stuff with them. Beware the menage a trois, my friend, BEWARE.......

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and he's moving into my apartment in June. I feel like this is going to "make it or break it." Any tips on how to make it work since I am completely independent, selfish, enjoy my own "space," and ridiculously organized!?"

Well, you "hit the nail on the head" (ohmygod, I am my mother) because this is the "make it or break it" stage of a relationship. If you can't co-exist in the same dwelling then what is the point? If you weren't thinking about taking this step by now then your relationship was probably doomed from the "get-go." (O.M.G. I am soooooo my mother.) However, I do want to commend you for waiting two years because you have already felt each other out. You should already know by now what he does that irritates the shit out of you, and vice versa. I hate it when peeps move in after they've known someone for a month and then when it doesn't work they cry about it. WAH. Sometimes it works, but more often than not...it doesn't.

The best advice I can give is that it's a game of give and take. And, it's imperative that you choose your battles. If he throws his stinky boy stuff any ol' place and that drives you crazay you have to cut him some slack the first month or two. You have to remember that he is getting used to you, too. I'm not saying you shouldn't ask him to NOT throw his crap everywhere, you absolutely should, because if you don't you will end up holding a grudge. Do keep in mind, however, that there are some things he will NEVER get and you will have to learn to live with it. Otherwise you will just end up nagging him to death and he will resent you. And this es no bueno.

Being independent you will find that you definitely still need your space. Seriously, nobody likes "that girl" or "that guy" anyway. Ya know the one...calling every five seconds, insecure, and distrustful. Nobody likes a Needy Nancy.  You just have to try not to lose your own identity. What's worked for me is I have a network of beezies that I can count on anytime, anywhere. If I need "a moment" I can get away and He Who Shall Never Be Named understands. As a matter of fact, I encourage him to do the same.

On the organization tip, I have funny story. And, well, you've made it this far so you might as well keep on going. He Who Shall Never Be Named moved in with me after two years also. I thought I knew everything about this guy. I mean, he started pooping with the door open for crying out loud. We moved in together and I found out the first week that the guy was a mild hoarder with a splash of OCD. You're not going to find 13 cat skeletons and a four month's worth of garbage when he moves outta somewhere. Totally the opposite actually. He is the most organized 29-yr old I've ever met. Yes, I said 29...HOLLAAAA. Anyhoo, his shit has a place...even the crap from 25 years ago that is in a box, covered in cobwebs and a layer of dust, that hasn't been looked inside of for probably 15 years. Yes, even THAT shit has a special place. I'm only telling you this because if Organization = Superman then I am Clark Kent...not quite there until I put on my cape. With his "guidance" I have become Molly Maid around here. HA! I actually pick up after myself now and then. And, every time (EVERY TIME), he says, "Thanks babe, for picking up...(fill in the blank because it could literally be anything)." It's called Positive Reinforcement...you should know this already ;)

I want to end this rant by telling you that we are ALL selfish. Patience, daniel-san, patience.

Good luck, my friend, on the new chapter in your life.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE DRAPES?

"So, just now while taking care of business I found my first gray pubic hair. Wondering what to do? Should I shave them all and run the risk of looking like a seven year old, color them, or just roll with being Santa with two elves?"

I hope by "taking care of business" you mean keeping that crazy, aging bush trimmed up. The 80s bush is so...1980s. Anyway, that's a whole other blog entry. Onto the subject at hand, the pube that stands alone...but probably not for long. Just sayin'. I'm going to say go with the flow, man. Let that little guy grow old gracefully ;) Shaving every other day will not only be uncomfortable but it's not going to hide those pesty gray pubes because the itchy stubble will also be gray sooooooo that's not going to work. The coloring of them would be a cool trick but if you decide to do this, you will have to color your happy trail, chest hair, mustachio, etc...you get the point. Where does it stop? I'll tell ya, it's doesn't. It will be a never ending cycle of being hunched over painting your junk with a dye brush for the rest of eternity. Or until you get sick of it and realize that it's just NOT RIGHT for an 85-year old to have a blond or black bush...or red. Ew. Besides, nobody is THAT vain...right???


And, that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

NEVER MAKE A PRETTY WOMAN YOUR WIFE

"If there is a guy who is pretty good looking, funny, but not over the top, and has his shit together, what possible characteristic is there that may deter women from dating him? I will include that yes, I do have high standards when it comes to looks, smarts, and personality in general. By announcing looks, one may say I'm shallow, but I am not looking for a trophy, just somebody who I find attractive. Do I need to lower my standards?"

You should definitely NOT lower your standards, but you may want to be realistic. If you are holding out for a Carmen Electra look-alike, you may be waiting awhile. When you are looking for someone who will potentially be your life long mate, you want to be physically attracted to them. HOWEVER, a lot of times...A LOT OF TIMES...I'm just going to say that again...a lot of times if you hang with someone you are not necessarily attracted to but she has all the other qualities you seek, you may become attracted to her. What is that bullshit saying again?? Oh yeah, "beauty is only skin deep." Now, apparently I am shallow as well because I don't necessarily agree with this. You have to be somewhat attracted in order for the rest to matter or else you will just end up with one hell of an awesome best friend...not a girlfriend.

I'm gonna give you some of my story...Why? You may ask. Well, because it's my blog and I can do whatever the fuck I want. He Who Shall Never Be Named was never someone I was completely attracted to. He is soooooooo not my type. Don't get me wrong, he is a good-looking man but there are things about him that didn't necessarily fit in with my type of guy. With that said, when we starting talking I liked him more and more. He makes me laugh so hard, he knows when to be tough and when to let me be tough, and he treats me how a woman should be treated. All of these things make me overlook the fact that his nostrils are so big he can fit two quarters in there. Or, that he wears work clothes constantly...even when he's NOT working. The fact is the guy grew on me...like a fungus :) Besides haven't you ever heard that song??!!

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you"


Now on the other matter, why a woman may not date a man even though he is good looking, funny, and has his shit together? You need to ask yourself this: Am I an asshole??? Because even if you looked like Brad fucking Pitt (back in '90 when he was still fresh-faced and Angelina Jolie hadn't suck dry his youthful spirit) and you are a bonafide asshole, the only hope ya got is that the Carmen Electra look-alike is really. really. dumb. And let's be real, that's only fun for a night or two.

And that is...WHAT I THINK!!!

LOVE IS BEING STUPID TOGETHER

"How would you define true love and do you really have control over it?"

Control love?! I wish!!! There are a lot of lost days and nights that I could have back if we could control love. That would be great though, wouldn't it?! If there was an ON/OFF switch for love???!!! You could be heartbroken one second and then POOF, flip that switch and you are all better :) Love is a beautifully complex thing and it wouldn't be if we could define it or control it. On that note, how do we know we are falling in love? 

Do you feel butterflies when he/she walks in the room?

So many butterflies that you feel like you're going to barf?

Do you smile and laugh a lot? 

Laugh so hard that you almost pee your pants?

Does this person make you feel good about yourself?

So good that it doesn't matter what clothes you're wearing or if you have make-up on?

Is this person constantly on your mind?

So much that you can't focus on anything?!

Do you think about your future with this person?

Like marriage, kids, buying a home together...getting a dog?

Do you try to be a better person for this guy/girl?

For instance, not beating up your ex's new girlfriend/boyfriend? ;)

Do you feel like you found your best friend?

Someone that you would do anything for and in return would do anything for you?

Is it the best sex you have ever had in your life?

I'm talking blow-your-socks-off sex where you're still thinking about it the next day? 

Although all of these things are tell-tale signs of falling in love, the most important and probably the major giveaway is if you can't imagine your life without this person in it. Because if you can't...then I gotta say, you're probably in LOVE. And when the butterflies fade and you know all their faults and you STILL love them...I guess that would be TRUE LOVE <3

IT'S NOT YOU...IT'S ME...OKAY, IT'S A LITTLE BIT YOU

"With a few months remaining until I make a move to a new place to continue my education, the thought 'to stay together or take a break' crosses my mind...For no other reason than distance, would I opt to put the kibosh on our relationship? Only because I am concerned that not being in the same state will put strain on the relationship like never before and certainly limit my options to sample to dessert bar while in a new city. What is your take on long-distance relationships" 

The fact that you are even questioning it makes me want to say BREAK UP. I mean, think about it...if you were passionately in love with this person you wouldn't even think twice about staying together and trying to make it work. You definitely wouldn't already be thinking about sluttin' it up in the city, girl!! However, I have a feeling you need someone to step in and say what you apparently can't :) I personally don't see how peeps make long-distance romance work. Don't get me wrong, nude picture messaging, phone sex, and naughty Skyping all sound (and are) super fun but what about when you go to bed without arms around ya?! Orrrrr when you are having the shittiest of all shitty days and you don't have that someone to brush the tears off your face, take you to dinner, and get you wine drunk to take the pain away?!  There is just something about having your special someone there to lean on emotionally, physically, and most important...sexually!

Which brings me to the next two reasons long-distance relationships can sometimes work or not: SEX and TRUST. There obviously is this "not knowing" part of long-distance relationships. When the jealousy creeps in and takes over your every thought, and most likely his, too. When you hear a chick in the background of your phone call and he insists it was the T.V. and you are just being paranoid...annnnd you're not sure. Or, even worse, when he calls you and you are having some new friends over and he asks you about them and sensing his suspicion you downplay the hotness of the guy that keeps eying you up. And, you really don't mind that the newbie is eying you up because it's been two months since you had any kind of hanky-panky and he is a delicious piece of man candy. You already said yourself that you may need to "sample the dessert bar."

Sooooo there ya go...I personally don't know anyone that has had a successful long-distance relationship but I'm sure it happens all the time. I guess it just depends on how much you love and trust this person and whether you will stay faithful and in love until you reunite. You could always try it out for a couple months and see how it goes. And, remember...if you do take a break prior to moving, this person may or may not wait around for you. So you need think about how you will feel if you see him with some other broad. Also, a word to the wise, if you are thinking about stringing him along until you WHOOPS accidentally fall on a penis, you should think twice. This NEVER ENDS WELL. You will not only devastate someone you love but you will ruin any friendship the both of you shared. Good luck!

And, that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

KILL YOUR TELEVISION

"This is going to sound silly but...My husband and I actually fight over the television. What we are going to watch, when we are going to watch it, what is recording, when our kids can have a turn...on and on and on. It has started happening almost EVERY night. How can I fix this?"

When I first read this question I actually laughed out loud (yes people, LOLd) because He Who Shall Never Be Named and I have had this very same fight. And, we have three freaking T.V.s!!! So, you should be happy to know that you are not alone in this one. However, we nipped it in the bud. Don't get me wrong, we will still argue about it from time to time but way less frequently then before. This happened for a few different reasons. First and foremost, we respect each other's choices in regards to recording television shows. If I have something recording he best not be turning that jazz off. He learned this one the hard way when a certain someone only caught 17 minutes of her favorite Law and Order...and so this certain someone completely erased his upcoming episode of Dirty Jobs. Because of this pettiness we recognized that we need to have consideration for the other person's request to record their show. Ya know what else I started doing is recording random shows during the day that I know he will like just so when I am watching something he can go in the other room to watch what I recorded for him. Which brings me to my next solution: get a second T.V. I know that times are tough right now but for your own sanity get another damn television set. This will help with the kids having their "turn" too. I don't know how ya have done it this long without a second one...not kidding. And, my last piece of advice is to TURN THE FUCKING THING OFF. That simple. If it is causing your relationship and family this much strife then play a boardgame yo. Go outside and plant a garden. Get a hobby. You are probably short circuiting every last brain cell you have! Because let's be real here, life is too short to be fighting about trivial shit like who gets to watch what on T.V.

And, that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

"My 12-yr old son came up to me yesterday and asked me about sex. I told him I was busy but that I would talk to him about it later. It's just that he took me by surprise and I didn't know what to say. But, what should I say?"

I'm thinking you should feel pretty good that your kid feels comfortable enough with you to even ask!!! I mean, think about it...did you ask your parents?! I sure as hell didn't. A lot of kids are taught that sex is a "dirty word" and any conversation that has S-E-X in it is "bad." I think you should be grateful that your child gave you this opportunity instead of you having to muster up the courage to do it yourself. Especially since it's obvious you are a giant wuss and this much needed conversation probably never would have taken place.

It's hard to give advice about this subject because everyone is different. But, I guess I can tell ya what I would do. I haven't gone in depth with my son about sex because he is only 10-years old. Don't get me wrong, we have dabbled. But, we have only talked about some of the consequences really, like getting pregnant. For example, one time I made him watch part of Teen Mom because a 16-year old twit was standing there crying with two babies in her arms and I wanted him to see how babies can be an end result, without actually saying how :) Anyway, I intend on telling him that sex is something great that happens when two people are in love. I wish somebody would have told ME that one. Because out of all the people I have slept with (and we will leave it at "plenty") I can count how many of them I loved on one hand. Sad, but true. I also plan on telling him about protection. Where to get it, how to put it on, and how you should NEVER have sex without it. I am even going to go as far as talking about masturbation and orgasms with him. Now listen y'all, I'm not saying I am going to go out and get the kid a porn package, complete with KY and anal beads. I'm just saying that if we don't talk to them about every aspect, someone else will. And, by "someone else" I mean their hoodrat friend whose motto is, "Go for it, man." Anyway, I have been easing into all of this sex business because he is only ten and I don't want him too be freaked out about it. Frankly, I don't even want him to think about it that much. Having sex on the brain every 90 seconds will come with time...I figure I still have a couple of years before that batch of gray hair comes in.

And, that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES

"Why is the sky blue?"

It's not, stupid. The sky is green with pink polka dots. How do you not know that? Did your mom drop you a lot when you were little? Take LSD? Go skydiving without a parachute? Did she eat lead paint while pregnant? Did you eat lead paint when you were a baby? Do you take a lot of naps in the road? Maybe you inhaled a lot of car exhaust while napping is all I'm saying. Did you lick a toad? Drink a lot of cough syrup? You do know that after swishing with mouthwash you are supposed to spit it out, right? Did you shove something in your eye? I've wanted to do this but never followed through. And, hey man, just because your eyes are an orifice in your head doesn't mean you should force things in there. Hmmmmmmmm....OH I KNOW, I think I figured it out...My advice to is this: Quit masturbating because it seems as though you have actually gone blind.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

PAYBACKS ARE A BITCH

"I have been unhappy with my living situation for awhile now. However, things are looking up because my roomie got a job so we will be parting ways in about two months. But, after this weekend I don't see how this is going to work. How do I tell her I appreciate everything she has done for me but I am unhappy and I want to leave now? I know she needs help until she leaves but I hate feeling like I am living in a prison. She even got pissed at me the other night when we went out because I decided to stay and party rather than go home with her. I am an adult WTF??"

Well, I think her being mad about you not leaving with her that night happened more because you are friends than roommates. I have had friends get mad at me for the same thing and it wasn't because I lived with them. They were just worried about their fellow bitch and didn't want me to end up tied up and gutted behind some sleazy tavern. Anyway, back to the subject at hand, I guess it depends on how much she has helped you and if your sudden departure will leave her in a lurch. Annnnnnnd, whether or not you care. If you split and leave her hanging you may burn a bridge that can never be rebuilt. Not to mention that you would be the Mayor of Skankville if you left her high and dry after she saved your ass from being homeless. Now, if you had some reason where you HAD to leave (wink wink)...you picking up what I am throwing down?! Maybe there is employment waiting for you where you want to go and you must move out sooner than you thought orrrrrr your friend really needs a babysitter or they will lose their job...ya know, really there is all kinds of shit that you can make up where you can leave and still be in good standing with your roommate. BUT, will you be able to live with yourself? 


With that said, my advice to you is this: put on your big girl panties and deal. You only have two months to live in this hell and then it will be over. She helped you out when you needed it and that's all there is to it. I'm sure letting you leave your shit all over her house and handing out money to you whenever you needed it wasn't one of her top priorities but she still did it for ya. This is proof that nothing in life is free. Time to pay the piper, lady.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

MEANIE VS. WIENIE

"My good friend is always so mean to me. She is constantly putting me down and I just don't know how much longer I can take it. What do I do?"

Oh man, what I really want to tell you is.......quit being a pussy. Grow a set and tell her to shut her fat mouth. Make fun of her and see how she likes it. Everyone has something about them that they are insecure about and if you are as good of friends as you claim to be, you know what it is. Use it against her. It may be the only way to make her see what she is doing to you. And, where the hell are your other friends while this biz is happening?! Do they just sit idly by like assholes while Queen Bitch is rude to you?! Because that is not what real friends do! If I knew someone was relentlessly torturing one of MY friends it would be on like Donkey Kong. My specialty is the verbal assault but I am not against using my hands to take a broad down. Hell, I will take a dude down. Done it. 

Anyway, Oscar Wilde said that a "true friend stabs you in the front" but it sounds like your friend is taking it to a whole new level with her bitchiness. If you are going to continue being friends with her (for some unknown reason) I guess the best way to figure it out is to do a list of pros and cons. If you end up with more pros than cons, you're going to have to deal. She is definitely a bitch, but probably deep down a good friend that will always have your back. You just need to convey to her that if she doesn't stop with the insults that you can't be friends anymore. If you have more cons than pros, kick that bitch to the curb. You don't have to take that shit. And, tell her that if she EVER says anything to you or about you, that might cause your feelings to be hurt, that you have people...people that hurt people...and do so enthusiastically. I got your back.

For real though, if you get anything out of this I hope its that you need to stand up for yourself, for god's sake. Jeesh. 

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

EXES AND HOES

"My new boyfriend constantly talks about his ex. How can I let him know that I am sick of hearing about her?"

Well, that's super annoying. However, you have to be careful when approaching this subject with your man because you don't want to be one of those needy bitches that can't hang when another woman's name is in their mouth. And, there actually is a positive in regards to this: take notes. For example, When he says something that annoyed him about her, try not to do whatever it is. When he talks about stuff they did together, try to do other things so as to not bring up the memories again and again. So, why does anyone do this, really? I can think of a couple of reasons. First thing that comes to mind is he is not over her yet. If this is the case, you just gotta make your mark, lady. For example, if you are alone (or not, whatever you fancy) and he brings up something about her, just start taking off your clothes, dude...then say, "I am sick of hearing about your ex...new memories, baby, new memories." Orrrr if you are not sex-crazed like myself then interrupt him with a neato-fun fact about yourself and finish with, "See?! I bet your ex isn't as cool as me yo," and laugh :) The only other thing that I can think of is maybe he hates her so much that it consumes him. I mean, they are exes for a reason. If this is the case then when he starts to bring up another irritating tidbit about her, tell him that you are not his ex and you won't do the things to him that she did. BUT, if he doesn't stop talking about her and comparing your relationship that you just might consider turning into an evil succubus. That you may just start sleeping with all his friends, cut up his favorite t-shirts, kick his dog, etc. If you are going to constantly be compared to this bitch than you might as well start acting like her. Maybe that will change his tune.

Honestly though, I don't know how ya do it. Way too much work for me and it sounds like he is not ready for a new relationship. If you talk to him about this and he doesn't stop talking about her then move on, sister. There are plenty of guys out there that DON'T talk about their exes.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

FAB TO FLAB

"I have been married to my wife for about 10 years and I love her dearly. However, when we met she was a size 6 and still wore make-up. Now she is a size 16, never wears make-up, never does her hair, wears sweats, etc. You get the point. I will never love her less but I am not really that attracted to her anymore. I don't want this to happen so how do I bring this up without being totally rude?"

This is a hard one because I don't see how you can actually say to your wife, "Wow honey, I really hate how you have let yourself go" unless of course you want the Asshole of the Year award. However, you may be able to fix it for yourself without ever saying a word. For instance, you don't want to see her in sweats everyday? Give her a handful of cash and tell her to go shopping. Your treat. Women eat that shit up and trust me when we go out and get new clothes the first thing we want to do is wear them day in and day out. You want her to care more about her appearance? For god's sakes take the woman out!! Maybe she wants a REASON to put on make-up and do her hair. If you set up certain nights (or days) where you have dinner or lunch dates she will want to look nice for you and herself. As for the weight gain, maybe you can buy gym memberships together and make a "date" of working out three times a week. It's easier to have motivation for that sort of thing when you have a partner making ya go.

If you do all this and you find that you are still feeling the same way then I want you to do this: look in the mirror, pal. You have also gained weight, you're losing your hair, and she hates the way you tuck your shirt in like Urkel...but she still loves you too. It's called marriage. You take the good with the bad because there are no guarantees. If that is what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

EXIT ONLY

"The guy I have been dating for about a year is all of the sudden wanting to try new things in the bedroom. I'm not necessarily opposed to it but I'm scared that he is eventually going to ask me to do something I am uncomfortable with. I don't want to lose him because he thinks I am a prude. What should I do?"

First of all, you should never feel as though you HAVE to do something. Especially if it makes you uncomfortable. If your mate doesn't understand that then you shouldn't be with him anyway. With that said, experimenting sexually is F-U-N. I'm not saying go crazy and buy a giant squirrel costume or a leather mask equipped with a ball gag. Just slowly dip your feet in the shallow end of the pool of eroticism. You never know what you like until you try it. And, if you do try something and you don't enjoy it then make your voice heard. At least you tried and now you know you don't like it. Experimenting is the only way to know what makes you AND your partner hot and bothered. Besides, I imagine that hanging tough missionary style has gotta get boring. I mean, I literally would have to "imagine" because I'm a fucking porn star. Too much information? Click that little red box up in the corner with the "X" inside of it. If you're still with me then listen up, nobody (including women) wants to be with a humdrum lover. It's not about being a prude or not, it's about exploring yourself sexually to see what gets your goose...and his. It can be as simple as adding lingerie here and there or having sex in rooms besides the ones with beds in them.

Anyway, I have a feeling that you are a closet freak so don't be afraid to let go of some insecurities and just be in the moment. Also, I want to reiterate that it's OKAY to have limitations. I've done pretty much everything within the sexual arena and I've discovered that I've even got a couple restrictions myself. For instance, I'm an EXIT ONLY kinda gal, if ya catch my drift. Tried it, didn't like it, never again. And, obviously this is also not too much information because you are still here.

And, that is....WHAT I THINK! HA!

NO ONE CARES YO

"I don't know why I can't break free from Facebook!! Why is it so addicting?"

Ya know, I have also fallen victim to the lures of Facebook. I don't know why I am so hooked either. Maybe it is because some of us don't have peeps in our immediate vicinity that care so we reach out to the FB peeps in order to gain sympathy, laughs, shared anger, etc. What I do know is that most of the shit people post is fucking ridiculous and I honestly can't deal....so here I go. I normally go with the flow and when someone posts something totally annoying I bite my tongue, YES, ME of all people bites their tongue. Well, not tonight people. Are you ready for a rant?!

I don't give a shit what you are having for dinner so I'm sure you can guess that I don't want to see a picture of it either. I'm sorry you are sick or in pain but if you are that ill then get off your fucking computer, take some drugs, and go lay down. You have an ingrown toenail? DISGUSTING dude, we don't care. Awesome that you just ran 10 miles or worked out for an hour. I'm super duper proud of you. But we don't need to know EVERY DAY that you are doing this. I take a shit every day (yes, I'm very regular) but I don't have to post that I am doing so. Simply put somewhere for your hobbies that you are a runner or that you love to exercise, we will figure it out. You're tired? Go to fucking bed, seriously. Going night-night? Fucking go then. Why on earth would you need to post that when we wouldn't know whether you were there or not?! You LOVE your husband or wife? Shut down the computer, turn around, and for god sakes say it TO them. We, as in your FB friends, already know you love them. Your marriage is soooooo perfect, wonderful, and flawless? I'm going to have to call BULLSHIT on that. NOBODY has a "perfect" marriage.

Now, I'm not saying I haven't done some of these things a time or two...but mostly I try to amuse myself and you.  And, I probably just lost 100 friends with this bloggio but what the hell...I probably had their asses hidden from my newsfeed anyway.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY

"My kid is getting to the age where he is more adventurous and not as clingy. He just turned 5-yrs old and he walks up to just about anybody these days and it kind of freaks me out. What is a good age to teach your kids about some of the dangers of this world?"

Well, honestly I am a FREAK when it comes to this kind of stuff. I started on my kid when he could talk and  understand what I was saying about "Stranger Danger." I have studied Criminology for the past six years and worked in the legal field for roughly 18 years so I am probably a little more on the crazy side when it comes to my children and warning them about "real-life" monsters. I've seen and read things that most people only see on television. So, I've probably told my kid things that he doesn't really need to know in an effort to scare him. An example of this, I was watching Criminal Minds the other night and these kids were playing Hide-And-Seek. Now, if you know me you know that this is one of my least favorite games for kids to play and I won't even let my kid play it unless he is inside a house or within a fenced yard (I told y'all I was a FREAK). Anyway, the little girl tells her brother that he "won't ever find her!" So she runs across the damn street (in my head I'm like, "NOOOO what are you doing, dummy?!?!") and hides in her neighbors bushes. Then this guy comes up and says, "Hey little girl, I'm looking for my daughter. Can you come look at this picture to see if you have seen her?" Of course that dumb little girl gets closer aaaaand...he nabs her. I immediately rewound it, paused the show, called for my son, and made him watch just this part. You may think this is morbid, I call it Safety Training 101. Of course, this isn't my son's first rodeo so he went along with it and then said, "Moooooom, I knooooooow already." He Who Shall Never Be Named thought I was being ridiculous. But, I know my son. And, I know that if someone came up and said they had a picture of a dog or cat that was missing he just might be tempted to get in close for a peek. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want him to be scared shitless all the time. I just don't want him to be so naive to think that these things can't happen to him.  Because that is where everyone is WRONG. This shit CAN happen to you. Bad shit doesn't just happen to bad people, it happens to good people every day.

And while I'm on this subject, I freaking hate it when people say, "Oh when I was a kid my mom didn't know where we were half the time and we were fine." Um, yeah, neither did my mom and I am probably lucky to be alive. We also didn't have to wear goddamn seatbelts back then so what does that tell ya?!?! Besides that, we don't live in the same world as 30-40 years ago. And maybe I'm the naive one when I say that. It may just seem this way because nowadays there is more awareness and the baby raping jackholes are actually being reported more than back then.

Regardless, in my world the best way to defend yourself is knowledge so here are some things you can teach your kids because in my opinion its never too early.

• IF APPROACHED, SCREAM AND RUN AWAY - Odds are the peeps trying to kidnap ya are not going to chase down a screaming rugrat.
• NEVER GET CLOSE ENOUGH FOR THEM TO GRAB YOU - If someone asks you for directions or is wondering if you could look at this "picture," first of all tell your kids they shouldn't be talking to strangers and that they should never get close to them. Just ignore them or run away screaming.
• KICK IN THE NUTS - If they do get close enough to grab ya, do not be afraid to fight back no matter what they say. I told my son that even if they have a weapon and say "come with me" I still want him to fight, kick, scream, and try to get away because the reality is that when they get you to where they are trying to take you, the outcome will be worse than what happens on that street. Besides, the likelihood that someone will see you is better if you are making a scene rather than going quietly.
• HAVE A SECRET PASSWORD - My son and I have a secret password so that he knows who he is to go with and who he isn't. For instance, if someone tries to pick him up at school (even someone he knows) but he wasn't told beforehand that this person would be coming to get him, he is to ask them the password. If they don't know it then he is to call me or go find a teacher.
• SECRETS FROM YOU - The sad truth of most sexual abuse is that the victim knows their abuser and more than likely they are family or a friend of the family. Also, another sad truth is that often the victim cares about this abuser. Your children need to feel as though they can come to you no matter what and that some secrets are okay and that some are not and then explain the difference. I told my son that if someone ever told him that he had to keep a secret because they would hurt me or him that he needed to know that I am one badass, Grade A bitch and there was no way they could hurt us so he definitely better tell me.

Actually some of these really cool tips are good for you ladies too :) He Who Shall Never Be Named said he feels sorry for whoever tries to kidnap me. He meant that in a couple of ways I think. First, that I would nag at them until they wanted to take me back to where they nabbed me from. And, secondly, that I would leave a mark...because I'm a fighter yo.

And that is...WHAT I THINK. HA!

A FACE ONLY A MOTHER COULD LOVE

"My friend wants to get botox because of the wrinkles on her forehead. I personally think it's not safe to inject poison in your body. How can I approach her about this without making her feel bad?"

Simple...don't approach her. And quite honestly I don't know why you feel the need to lay your opinion down when first, she wasn't asking for it, and second, she will probably still end up on the table thinking about what a bitch you are. Why people are so against these procedures or plastic surgery is beyond me. I mean, as long as they don't go to the extreme and end up with a mug like Joan Rivers, who cares?  If it makes you feel better about yourself then I say go for it.

Let me put it to you this way, if you had the money and means to get rid of that double chin that you have been carrying around for the past ten years, wouldn't ya? If you could get those boobs to look like they did when you were 17-yrs old before your brats literally sucked the life out of them, wouldn't ya? Well, maybe YOU wouldn't but your friend obviously feels differently. Call it vanity or self-obsession but whatever label you want to slap on it, the bottom line is it's none of your fucking beeswax. It's not YOUR face so get down off your pedestal, put on your "supportive friend" pants, and butt out.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

I'M GOOD ENOUGH, I'M SMART ENOUGH, AND DOGGONE IT, PEOPLE LIKE ME

"I have a friend that I love dearly but she is not happy unless she has a guy around. She literally goes a few days in between new guys. I personally can't stand it but it's her life. The sad thing is she has small children and they have to be subjected to this. How can I make her see that this is not healthy for herself or her kids?"

Man, do I feel ya on the kid tip. It is definitely not healthy for children to have men in and out of their lives. Especially if they have grown close to one of them. In my own OPINION (disclaimer) these women are totally insecure and that is why they feel like they can't hang unless there is a penis in the room. The annoying thing is that most of these women are gorgeous, skinny, have a great job, good friends, etc. They pretty much have everything they could possibly need except love for themselves. It's a goddamn shame, really. It's hard for me to help you with this because I am oozing self-esteem. I mean, I AM awesome. Oh man, HAHA and funny. And, I really don't have many friends that are like this because, well, if my skinny, pretty friend walked around saying they were ugly or fat and because of this brought around every Tom, Dick, or Harry, I would HAVE to slap the bitch. It simply couldn't be helped. Honestly that shit would grate my nerves. So, instead of pretending to know what you can DO to help her, I am going to help you understand WHY it might be happening. This behavior can stem from a lot of different things. It can take root in their childhood, for instance. Maybe your friend wasn't overly loved or they were neglected as a child. It can also stem from something that happened later such as an abusive husband (or wife) that took advantage or always put them down. Bottom line is self-esteem is about how much we feel loved or valued and how much we value or love ourselves. People that are insecure or have low self-esteem feel like they are no-good and can never succeed at anything they do. Blah, blah, blah, I am giving a freaking psych lesson here because I want you to understand that your friend probably tends to latch on to any person that shows her the slightest attention or affection because she either has never had it or hasn't had it in awhile. The heartbreaking thing is her kids are there to witness it. Honestly I have absolutely no idea how you can help her. My only advice would be to tell her that she may not think SHE deserves better but her CHILDREN certainly do. If you need more than that I have a couple of Psych books that I didn't burn when I graduated that you can borrow.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

LOVE BITES...SO BITE BACK

"I don't have a Valentine this year for the first time in FIVE years. 

How can I snap out of these Valentine's Day Blues?"

For real?! You want us to feel sorry for you that you are alone on Valentine's Day for the first time in FIVE years?! I know some people that have been alone EVERY Valentine's Day and they don't sit around feeling sorry for themselves. If you are throwing a pity party darlin', then you are on your own. I am a firm believer that just because you are alone doesn't mean you can't have a fab V-day!!! First of all, go get yourself something nice. Splurge, for crying out loud, it's Valentine's Day!! Ladies, go get yourself a dozen roses. Just because you are footing the bill doesn't make them any less beautiful sitting on your table top. Or better yet, go get that bag you have had your eye on that you told yourself you couldn't afford. Fellas, you too, go buy those awesome shades you have always wanted that those dumbshit girls you dated never bought you.  Make this day about me, myself, and I. Think about it, it will probably be the best Valentine's Day gift you have ever received. Another thing that can make you feel better is to know that you are NOT the only one alone on Valentine's Day. Grab your single friends and go out to dinner, get drunk, and make fun of all the past idiots you USED to spend V-day with. This is ALWAYS a good time. And, who knows, your slutty ass might even find another lonely soul to smush with on this pagan, sex-crazed holiday. 

So my lonely people, get out and do something nice for yourself instead of holing up in your house all alone watching sappy movies while crying in your gallon of rocky road. You will just make your eyes puffy and your ass fat and you will never find a Valentine that way...Sink your teeth in bitches, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY :)

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT

"I have a friend that just had a third child. She has a 4-yr old boy, 2-yr old girl, and now a 5-day old little boy who has down snydrome. Her 2-yr old and new baby have the same dad, her husband. Her husband is a piece of shit. He asked her for a divorce a week before she had this baby. He is never there for her, never helps with the kids, she has to ask for money from him and the list goes on. My question is, how do I tell her that I cant stand to hear about it since she is always going back and forth. I know deep down inside things will never change. I am so tired of listening to it but still want to be there as a friend. Any advice for me?"


Man oh man, have I been there!! There are not a whole lot of things worse than listening to the same sob story over and over and over again. When your friend talks mad shit about their man and how rough they have it and yet they do nothing to change the situation. I have not only been on this side of it, but I have also been on the other side. The one where I rant and rave about what a jackhole my man is to you then go home to him, make dinner, and then probably lay the undeserving S.O.B. 


HOWEVER, that is the definition of what being a friend is...sorry to say.  There are friend codes, my dear, and one of them is this: When your friend hates her man, you hate her man. When your friend loves her man, you love her man. You don't have to love what he is all about (because this particular one sounds like one giant piece of shit) but you have to respect your friend's feelings because you can't MAKE her leave the King of all Douchebags. She has to make up her own mind about what her future holds. Now, if you pop off about how you are sick of hearing about her fucking problems with the idiot she has chosen to procreate with, as well as vow to spend the rest of eternity with, you will just put more pressure on your friend and possibly ruin your friendship. 


With this said, just because you are supposed to have your friend's back no matter what, and listen to her complain about her life that she goes back to day after day, does not mean that you have to keep your opinions to yourself about her situation. Next time she starts in on another goddamn "You will never believe what my asshole husband did" story, maybe you could GENTLY say, "Have you ever noticed that every time you start to tell me something like this it is the same song and dance?" I say "GENTLY" because it takes a strong woman to break free from that special kind of nightmare. Especially when there are children involved and your friend is undoubtedly unemployed just having a baby and all. Anyway, what I am saying is not a lot of women can do it. The only women I know (myself included) that have done it have had really good friends and family by her side every step of the way. Life isn't easy (and hers sounds especially difficult) so you need to tell her in a tender way that you are kind of sick of hearing the same shit and the only way things will change is if she decides to change them. AND, that you will be there for her anytime and whenever she needs you...especially if she needs a car with a big trunk, or a shovel, or even something as simple as letting the police know she was at your house between 5pm and 9pm on the day of March 20th. Just sayin'...its friend code, people. 


And that is WHAT I THINK! HA!

THE MODERN DAY SLAVE

"I currently don't work but I have two kids that are both young and as you know that is a job in itself. I love being a mom so that is not my problem. My problem is that when my husband gets off work he expects the house to be clean, his laundry to be done, dinner to be ready (or at least near ready), and to basically be waited on hand and foot because he 'makes the bacon.' Whenever I ask him to help me he just laughs as though it is ridiculous. HELP ME BECAUSE I'M IN HELL."

Well, let me tell ya lady that you are not the only one in this position. A lot of women that stay home with their kids are stuck doing ALL the chores around the house and making sure that darling Susie isn't sticking a bobby pin in the electrical outlet and that little Bobby isn't breaking free and running two blocks down the street with a hypodermic needle he found along the way (apparently Bobby lives in a bad neighborhood). Anyway, your husband is not the only man that thinks this is your JOB to do so. Now before I come off as a man-hating feminist I have to state that obviously you should do more stuff around the house since you are there more and he works away from home. However, if you ask him to help you out with something he should be more than willing to take the time to help you. That is what being in a relationship is, give and take. I am not necessarily a stay-at-home mom because, well my twerpy kid is in the 4th grade so he is gone most of the day, however I do get the impression that He Who Shall Never Be Named expects me to do a lot of the chores and he definitely expects me to make his slightly growing ass something to eat every night. Now don't get it twisted, my man is learned...he would NEVER say that he expects me to do it or that it was my JOB. And ultimately this is the reason I do it. Because I want to feel as though I am contributing something to this household and not just because it is expected of me. SO, with that being said, your husband should never act as though you are the maid/cook/nanny and there are a couple of things that you can do to make him see the error of his ways:

1. First thing you should always do is simply talk to the man. Good communication is always key in a strong relationship. Tell him how overwhelmed you are feeling and that you just need his help. Talk to him in his language. For example, tell him that raising two little kids while keeping a home is like trying to drive a stick shift in the pouring rain on HWY 199 at the same time getting a blowjob while eating a double cheeseburger with everything on it...in other words, HECTIC and SLOPPY...and without the happy ending.

2. Go on strike. Stop doing the dishes, stop doing the laundry, let the kids draw on the walls while you watch you favorite daytime television. Make chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese for dinner for a week. Oh, and withholding sex is a sure fire way of getting what you want (see older blog entry called THE MUSTACHE). This one always works for me because He Who Shall Never Be Named likes a clean house and definitely likes the na na. Before you know it he is like, "What's wrong, baby? How can we fix this?" MUAHAHAHA Like putty in my hands.

3. Make plans to go out with some peeps and leave the kids at home with him for a change. Make sure you have given them ample amounts of candy and maybe a Rockstar or two. Put the noisiest toys they own within easy reach. Whisper in their cute little ears that there are no rules that night and Daddy loves playing any and every game they can think of, especially "Attack the Daddy," that's his favorite. When you return home make sure you say to him, "Now, can you imagine doing that WHILE cleaning this entire house and making three meals a day?" This should put it into perspective for him.

And, if none of these things work you might want to reevaluate your relationship with Douchey McDouchester. Because unfortunately you will slowly start to resent him, which it sounds like you might already, and this can lead to bigger and badder things down the road (yes, I said "badder"). He might need to be reminded that there are plenty of guys that are willing to help the one they love in order to make their lives easier resulting in a happier home. And, even the dumbest guys know that happier wives have more sex. Duh.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

HOMEWORK SCHOMEWORK

"What do you do when it is like pulling teeth to have your kids do their homework?"

WOW, welcome to my life! Every night when those words come out of my mouth "Okay, kid, it's time to do your homework," my child acts like the world is ending. It's like the battle of Superman and Darth Vader. Yeah, I get them mixed up but you catch my drift. I think this will always be a battle of wills no matter who you are. However mixed up my interpretations may be I know exactly what you are talking about. I myself have a 10-yr old that NEVER wants to do his homework. I have yelled, screamed, and sometimes kicked him (okay, maybe I haven't kicked him...but I wanted to) to get my kid to do his homework in a timely fashion but let's face it, do you remember what it is like to do homework? I do. Simply because I just spent the last SIX or SEVEN years doing my own homework and I hated. every. second. of. it. It's human nature to avoid it and procrastinate doing it until the very last second. Here is what has worked for me:

1. Sit down WITH them to do it. I make it seem "fun." I have managed to make some of his homework like a game. For instance, when he has a spelling test the next day, I tell him that whoever spells it correctly first gets bragging rights. Me, being the AWESOME speller that I am, my kid thinks it is hilarious when he beats me (like that could ever really happen). Granted I let him win once in a great while but when he "beats" me he gets to say all night that he could spell "dichotomous" and I couldn't (which, for the record I can spell and I actually know what it means).

2. I tell him that if he doesn't do his homework he can't watch The Simpsons (or whatever show he really, really, really, wants to watch), a show that I despise and would totally not let him watch if it wasn't for the fact that I watched way worse things as a child and he already thinks everyone should "eat his shorts."

3. Bribery is not a baaaaaad thing. Hang a donut over his head (jeez, another Simpsons reference), or tell him that if he doesn't do his homework you will tell his teacher to make him stay in the classroom to finish it while all the other brats play 4-square (his favorite game). And, by the way, I have totally done this.

All of these should work for older kids to, just modify. If none of the above work, PRAY. Because your kid will not, and does not, care. There is no help for you. BUT, I will tell you that when I was a child I never lived up to my potential. I simply did not care. I had a 2.3 GPA when I graduated from high school and when I FINALLY went to college at age 27...I had a 3.5 and above my entire college career. So, even though your kids aren't down with the math and the writing now, know that it may not always be this way. Who knows, maybe your kid will win American Idol and we all know that you don't need to be smart to do that.

And that is...TWAT I THINK! HA! (That was for you, Tina :)

YOU CAN PICK YOUR NOSE, BUT YOU CAN'T PICK YOUR FAMILY

"I can't stand my sister, my cousin, hell half of my family...

what do you do when you hate the people you are supposed to love?"

First of all, "hate" is such a strong word. I mean, I'm all for it when talking about exercise orrrrr salad...but when talking about your family?? Noooot okay. Besides, I wouldn't know because I freaking butt-love my family...even the ones that aren't blood. However, in some cases, there are situations where cutting a family member out of your life is totally valid. I have a friend who has given her mom so many chances its kind of ridiculous...and in my opinion that beezy should have been cut loose years ago. Anyway, I guess it depends on how they have wronged you. It's a thin line but I would say if it's something you can forgive a friend for, then definitely you can forgive a family member. If it is something that you could never forgive the friend for and you hope they fall off the side of the earth into a fiery pit, then even with time some family members should be pardoned (obviously with some exceptions, i.e. abuse). I've been on both sides of this where I have been apologized to and where I have had to suck it up and be the apologizer...and sometimes it's painful, I know. But their your FAMILY, the peeps that have your back no matter what. The peeps that would take on the bitchiest girls in your new school because they were mean to you. Or, the peeps that would call someone out for dogging your mom. Or, the peeps that would drive 2 1/2 hours to give a beatdown to some broad talking smack about you. Shit, I would do all of this just for a friend...lord knows what I would do for my family :)

If you think about this and you realize that your family really hasn't done anything in particular, you only "hate" them because they just plain grate on your nerves, I suggest to stay away from them until the holidays when you HAVE to hang out with them. Then put on a happy face and get over it because it's only a couple of times a year that you have to put up with their annoying asses, and they are family. Besides, just because they are your kin doesn't mean you have to be friends with them. All in all, life is too short to "hate" the people that you are related to. Especially since they could possibly be the only people in the world to knock a bitch of her barstool while breaking a beer bottle on an adjacent table to maim if needed and not care about the consequences.

And that is...WHAT I THINK. HA!

I'M A SAD FACE

"I'm so depressed all the time and I don't know how to break out of it. Any suggestions?"

Weird that you should ask this particular question because I was also just in a funk and I didn't know how to break free. To get out from under it I think it depends on what kind of funk you are in...For funsies let's go over a few...

If you are in an I HATE MY JOB funk:
Next time you are at work stop and think about why you hate it there. If it is a co-worker or the boss, maybe talk to them about your relationship and how to make it better. If he/she is still an asshole to be around, start a nasty rumor about them and sit back to watch the ugliness unfold. If the reason you hate your job is because you don't like the work, then get off your ass and start looking for a new job. Be in charge of your own destiny fool!

If you are in a CAN'T FIND A JOB or the BOREDOM funk:
This was the funk I was just in. I figured it out though! Since I can't find a job to save my life (none that I want anyway) I realized that I was bored. I mean, I have all these skills and creativity being stifled! What is a girl to do? Start a blog yo, that's what. Really though, ya just need to find something you are interested in and start a hobby. You gotta keep your mind stimulated so it doesn't atrophy in these in between stages. The brain can easily turn into mush when all you have to think about is when to water the plants and what episodes of Law and Order are on secretly hoping they aren't ones you have seen already knowing that you will watch them anyway. Welcome to my life...

If you are in a RELATIONSHIP funk: 
If you are single and in this particular funk, put on your sassiest clothes (you too boys), grab up some friends, and go get your groove on. This won't cure the funk per se but you might catch an eye or two and this always makes a person feel good. If you are in a relationship and in this funk you might want to catch my earlier blog "THE GRASS ISN'T ALWAYS GREENER." Man, this is a hard one because a lot of times when you are in a relationship funk it just takes a little adjusting and some time. Or simply (or not so simply) moving on to something new.

If you are in an I'M FAT funk:

Take the fucking twinkie out of your mouth and go for a walk. Nothing to strenuous that your fat ass can't handle, just a walk. Not only will you feel like you got a little exercise but it will help you clear your mind. Get up tomorrow and do the same thing...before you know it you have lost 10 lbs. 

If none of the above relate to your particular funk, I got nothing...except you can go get drunk. Not a way to get unfunkified but it will work for right now.

And that is...WHAT I THINK. HA!

WHILE THE CAT IS AWAY, THE MOUSE MAY STRAY

"Sometimes my husband and myself go out with another couple for date night. It's fun until my girlfriend starts flirting with everyone and anyone in the restaurant/bar. Her husband doesn't seem to mind but my husband gets so pissed. I have to say that I also think she is being sort of trampy. Is it wrong to flirt with other people while you are married, especially if your husband is present?"

UM, HELLOOOOOO, flirting is totally normal and especially if the husband is present! If the husband doesn't seem to give a shit then...why do you? Furthermore, why does YOUR husband care? I'm thinking that the only reason your husband cares is because he is visualizing YOU doing this. Some people are just natural born flirts and when you add alcohol this inborn trait cannot be contained. But my thing is this: if it's not hurting anyone, who gives a rip?! Especially if the husband is ringside giving the go ahead. However, if the flirting happens while the husband is NOT around this may be another issue all in itself. I'm not saying it's baaaaad, I'm just saying it could possibly lead to other highly inappropriate things while the husband is away (see title HAHA). If the flirting leads to something else this is definitely not okay. I have personally known peeps that have the tendency to flirt and it is harmless fun. BUT, I have also known other peeps that flirt on occasion and end up being bent over the garbage cans behind the trashiest bar in town (you know who you are). Anyway, my advice is to tell your husband to lighten up...it's not YOU doing it after all AND flirting is F-U-N, so as long as you "get your appetite and then come home for dinner" where is the harm?

IT IS WHAT IT IS

"I grew up in the city, for the most part. Sports went like this: You go to tryouts, they made cuts, if you made the cut, you made the team, if not better luck next year. Small town sports seem to go like this: Anyone who shows up is on the team. So regardless of whether or not you only need maybe 10 total players if 20 show up then 20 kids are on the team. Now, while I marvel at the fact that my son gets a lot of play time I also sit heartbroken for the boys on the bench who barely get to play if they even play at all, especially when the majority of the boys on the bench have skills.  It is sad to see the parents come to games to see their kid play and they don't ever play! It seems as though we leave the games seeing pissed off parents and pissed off kids.  I mean it is what it is, I guess, but my question to you is this, is it better to be cut or better to be part of the team and not get to play much?"

This is a great question because I find myself wondering this exact same thing ALL the time. It really didn't hit me until this last year when my son was in the 3rd grade and he was playing minors in baseball. Not t-ball, not coach pitch...minors. I guess I am pointing that out because when they are little I get it. Ya know, they don't really know the sport yet and they are still cute running from 1st to 3rd straight across because they have no fucking idea what they are doing. But, by the time they have reached minors and they are 8-9 years old, and then proceed to turn into full fledged teenage assholes, they are old enough to get the concept and rules of the game. All in all, we are not doing the children of this generation any favors by acting this way regarding sports.


And, while we are on this subject, ya know what absolutely kills me??!! That not only does EVERYBODY make the team but they ALL get a damn trophy at the end.  What the F is that all about? Back in my day, only the greats got acknowledgement...it was part of what made it special for the talented ones. Ya know, the ones that practice their little hearts out in order to be the best. The ones that live, eat, and breath that particular sport and actually work at being the best. We shouldn't just hand out honors and trophies to EVERYONE because it gives them a false sense of entitlement that will in the long run set them up for disappointment on so many levels...not just in sports, but in life. For example, when they go to apply for that job and they don't get it, they will blame the company, not the fact that they just didn't have the goods for the job. Or, when they grow up and try out for a college team and they don't make the cut, they will blame the coach or the college, not their disillusioned selves. But, like you said, "It is what it is" and the only way to make a change in your small town is to maybe try out coaching yourself and tell the unfortunate souls whose best talents are eating Twinkies and playing X-Box that there is a Halo-hotdog eating contest in the next town over. 


I don't even know if I answered this question but it sure was fun venting about it. THANKS!!!


And that is...WHAT I THINK. HA!