Wednesday, August 3, 2011

TROLLING FOR HOGS

"So you're a chick...how do I get a chick to go out with me?"

Oh shit, I don't know. You could start by not calling us "chicks" and just open your mouth and ask her. HA! Seriously though, it took He Who Shall Never Be Named six months to get this broad to go out with him. He tried everything. He asked me to the movies, dinner, biking, etc. I turned him down over and over and over. I had bad break-up drama and serious baggage that I needed to work through first (not that you really need that particular info) but you know what finally did it for me? He said, "Okay, this is the LAST TIME I am asking you...will you go skiing with me this weekend?" And I thought to myself, "Really? The LAST TIME huh?!" Wellllll, alright then...and the rest is history. So if you really like this "chick," be persistent. If she starts being a bitch and gets a restraining order on you then back off buddy. Es no bueno, she doesn't like you and move on.
If you do grow a set and ask her to go out with you and she says yes, us "chicks" also like to be wined and dined...with flowers and door opening, all that cheesy shit. Some pretend they don't, but they do. Ask her to dinner, bring flowers when you pick her up, take her somewhere nice, and whatever you do...I'm going to say this again...whatever you do, DO NOT LET HER PICK UP THE TAB. Even if she insists on paying half. This happened to me with He Who Shall Never Be Named and it was a major turnoff because he literally made me pay for half almost every time we went to dinner because I insisted the first time. My fault. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. But his fault too for allowing it to happen. Good thing he was so good in the sack or he would have been dunzo by the third date (yes, I said third date).

Also, cater your dates to what she likes to do, which hopefully are similar to the things you like to do. For example, my man likes to hike up mountains, cycle, go to the river, etc. Outdoorsy biz, ya know. I like to do half of that jazz. Hiking up mountains...meh. Cycling, I love. Going to the river and floating a raft, I love. So he would ask me to do stuff we both liked and when it came to stuff he knew I wouldn't "love" he made it not so hardcore. For example, instead of taking me on a hike where I would almost die halfway through because my body wants whiskey and not water, he would take me on a hike that was almost on level ground and bring a flask :)

The best advice I can give you is to be yourself...even if you're an asshole, because eventually your real self is going to come out and she won't like you anymore if you've been faking all along. And, trust me when I say, there are plenty of idiot women (no offense to the assholes...or idiot women) that like to be with dudes that are assholes. I personally don't get it...probably something with their upbringing but that is a whole other blog entry.Good luck with the hog troll, buddy. And, don't forget STDs are no fun and some are incurable so don't forget the raincoat. And maybe even double up, it's a crazy, wild world out there.

And...THAT IS WHAT I THINK! HA!

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