BURNT CHEETOS

“I tan on a pretty regular basis because I like to maintain my glow year 'round. But, sometimes my friends will either give me shit because I'm so dark or give me shit about skin cancer. What is your take on tanning?"

I used to be a slave to the tanning bed when I was younger. Dude, do you know why?! Because tan fat looks better than white fat, and that is a fact. That's why my bleepety-bleep-bleep pounds of ass still squeezes  into a  two-piece every. damn. summer. I even tried on a one-piece this summer and it just wasn't right, couldn't do it. Anyhoo, I shouldn't say "slave" because I'm an Injun' so it takes me two times in the tanning bed and then I'm outside most of the summer anyway with my twerp. Now, that kid is two different kinds of Injun so you should see how dark he gets...with his little white ass crack always hanging out. Always.

Then I just get white in the winter. Annnnnnnd, I will tell ya why. I should never go in the sun as much as I do because I have totally had Melanoma...yeah, TOTALLY can you believe it?! Caught it early because I have lots of moles and I saw a tiny, little black one on my leg that I never noticed before. Went to get it checked out, next thing I know Dr. Pasty Perfectskin is hacking away at my leg. Had to go in twice to get it all out. Guh-ross, I know. So this is why in the summer I wear so much sunscreen it's ridiculous. Ask all my freeeenz, I have always said, "The best tan you can get is SPF 50!" I'm darker than all them beeeeetches. Anyway, being in the sun/tanning bed/laying in a chair with an aluminum reflector board (I’m putting this last one there in speedos, yup) has been medically proven to cause skin cancer, so grab some shade once in awhile. This biz also causes other sorts of not-fun stuff. Like, getting a suntan moustache…don’t forget the upper lip, girls.

So I guess my advice is to do whatever the hell you want to do but don’t go overboard. I still tan a few times a year usually right before summer because I get all spring fever crazy (and I reeeeeally shouldn’t.) But, I do it because it makes me feel sexier when I’m in my shorty shorts and tank tops, and honestly it feels good to have a minute to yourself in that bed, for reals. But, it’s just like every other good thing in the world, you gotta have it in moderation. BLAH. However, self-control is especially important with tanning! Besides the health risks involved you also have these broads that look like they just had an all out wrestling match with Chester the Cheetah. I want to say, “Step out of the tanning bed, lady.” But not in a mean way…like, in a favor way…like when someone has something green in their teeth and you tell them.  Like that. Okay, I’m all over the place but what I’m trying to get across is do whatever makes you happy…in moderation. My take on life is that it is too damn short to not take risks and do what makes you happy. Every day like it’s the last YO…in moderation.

And…That is WHAT I THINK! HA!