IT'S NOT YOU...IT'S ME...OKAY, IT'S A LITTLE BIT YOU

"With a few months remaining until I make a move to a new place to continue my education, the thought 'to stay together or take a break' crosses my mind...For no other reason than distance, would I opt to put the kibosh on our relationship? Only because I am concerned that not being in the same state will put strain on the relationship like never before and certainly limit my options to sample to dessert bar while in a new city. What is your take on long-distance relationships" 

The fact that you are even questioning it makes me want to say BREAK UP. I mean, think about it...if you were passionately in love with this person you wouldn't even think twice about staying together and trying to make it work. You definitely wouldn't already be thinking about sluttin' it up in the city, girl!! However, I have a feeling you need someone to step in and say what you apparently can't :) I personally don't see how peeps make long-distance romance work. Don't get me wrong, nude picture messaging, phone sex, and naughty Skyping all sound (and are) super fun but what about when you go to bed without arms around ya?! Orrrrr when you are having the shittiest of all shitty days and you don't have that someone to brush the tears off your face, take you to dinner, and get you wine drunk to take the pain away?!  There is just something about having your special someone there to lean on emotionally, physically, and most important...sexually!

Which brings me to the next two reasons long-distance relationships can sometimes work or not: SEX and TRUST. There obviously is this "not knowing" part of long-distance relationships. When the jealousy creeps in and takes over your every thought, and most likely his, too. When you hear a chick in the background of your phone call and he insists it was the T.V. and you are just being paranoid...annnnd you're not sure. Or, even worse, when he calls you and you are having some new friends over and he asks you about them and sensing his suspicion you downplay the hotness of the guy that keeps eying you up. And, you really don't mind that the newbie is eying you up because it's been two months since you had any kind of hanky-panky and he is a delicious piece of man candy. You already said yourself that you may need to "sample the dessert bar."

Sooooo there ya go...I personally don't know anyone that has had a successful long-distance relationship but I'm sure it happens all the time. I guess it just depends on how much you love and trust this person and whether you will stay faithful and in love until you reunite. You could always try it out for a couple months and see how it goes. And, remember...if you do take a break prior to moving, this person may or may not wait around for you. So you need think about how you will feel if you see him with some other broad. Also, a word to the wise, if you are thinking about stringing him along until you WHOOPS accidentally fall on a penis, you should think twice. This NEVER ENDS WELL. You will not only devastate someone you love but you will ruin any friendship the both of you shared. Good luck!

And, that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

KILL YOUR TELEVISION

"This is going to sound silly but...My husband and I actually fight over the television. What we are going to watch, when we are going to watch it, what is recording, when our kids can have a turn...on and on and on. It has started happening almost EVERY night. How can I fix this?"

When I first read this question I actually laughed out loud (yes people, LOLd) because He Who Shall Never Be Named and I have had this very same fight. And, we have three freaking T.V.s!!! So, you should be happy to know that you are not alone in this one. However, we nipped it in the bud. Don't get me wrong, we will still argue about it from time to time but way less frequently then before. This happened for a few different reasons. First and foremost, we respect each other's choices in regards to recording television shows. If I have something recording he best not be turning that jazz off. He learned this one the hard way when a certain someone only caught 17 minutes of her favorite Law and Order...and so this certain someone completely erased his upcoming episode of Dirty Jobs. Because of this pettiness we recognized that we need to have consideration for the other person's request to record their show. Ya know what else I started doing is recording random shows during the day that I know he will like just so when I am watching something he can go in the other room to watch what I recorded for him. Which brings me to my next solution: get a second T.V. I know that times are tough right now but for your own sanity get another damn television set. This will help with the kids having their "turn" too. I don't know how ya have done it this long without a second one...not kidding. And, my last piece of advice is to TURN THE FUCKING THING OFF. That simple. If it is causing your relationship and family this much strife then play a boardgame yo. Go outside and plant a garden. Get a hobby. You are probably short circuiting every last brain cell you have! Because let's be real here, life is too short to be fighting about trivial shit like who gets to watch what on T.V.

And, that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

"My 12-yr old son came up to me yesterday and asked me about sex. I told him I was busy but that I would talk to him about it later. It's just that he took me by surprise and I didn't know what to say. But, what should I say?"

I'm thinking you should feel pretty good that your kid feels comfortable enough with you to even ask!!! I mean, think about it...did you ask your parents?! I sure as hell didn't. A lot of kids are taught that sex is a "dirty word" and any conversation that has S-E-X in it is "bad." I think you should be grateful that your child gave you this opportunity instead of you having to muster up the courage to do it yourself. Especially since it's obvious you are a giant wuss and this much needed conversation probably never would have taken place.

It's hard to give advice about this subject because everyone is different. But, I guess I can tell ya what I would do. I haven't gone in depth with my son about sex because he is only 10-years old. Don't get me wrong, we have dabbled. But, we have only talked about some of the consequences really, like getting pregnant. For example, one time I made him watch part of Teen Mom because a 16-year old twit was standing there crying with two babies in her arms and I wanted him to see how babies can be an end result, without actually saying how :) Anyway, I intend on telling him that sex is something great that happens when two people are in love. I wish somebody would have told ME that one. Because out of all the people I have slept with (and we will leave it at "plenty") I can count how many of them I loved on one hand. Sad, but true. I also plan on telling him about protection. Where to get it, how to put it on, and how you should NEVER have sex without it. I am even going to go as far as talking about masturbation and orgasms with him. Now listen y'all, I'm not saying I am going to go out and get the kid a porn package, complete with KY and anal beads. I'm just saying that if we don't talk to them about every aspect, someone else will. And, by "someone else" I mean their hoodrat friend whose motto is, "Go for it, man." Anyway, I have been easing into all of this sex business because he is only ten and I don't want him too be freaked out about it. Frankly, I don't even want him to think about it that much. Having sex on the brain every 90 seconds will come with time...I figure I still have a couple of years before that batch of gray hair comes in.

And, that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES

"Why is the sky blue?"

It's not, stupid. The sky is green with pink polka dots. How do you not know that? Did your mom drop you a lot when you were little? Take LSD? Go skydiving without a parachute? Did she eat lead paint while pregnant? Did you eat lead paint when you were a baby? Do you take a lot of naps in the road? Maybe you inhaled a lot of car exhaust while napping is all I'm saying. Did you lick a toad? Drink a lot of cough syrup? You do know that after swishing with mouthwash you are supposed to spit it out, right? Did you shove something in your eye? I've wanted to do this but never followed through. And, hey man, just because your eyes are an orifice in your head doesn't mean you should force things in there. Hmmmmmmmm....OH I KNOW, I think I figured it out...My advice to is this: Quit masturbating because it seems as though you have actually gone blind.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

PAYBACKS ARE A BITCH

"I have been unhappy with my living situation for awhile now. However, things are looking up because my roomie got a job so we will be parting ways in about two months. But, after this weekend I don't see how this is going to work. How do I tell her I appreciate everything she has done for me but I am unhappy and I want to leave now? I know she needs help until she leaves but I hate feeling like I am living in a prison. She even got pissed at me the other night when we went out because I decided to stay and party rather than go home with her. I am an adult WTF??"

Well, I think her being mad about you not leaving with her that night happened more because you are friends than roommates. I have had friends get mad at me for the same thing and it wasn't because I lived with them. They were just worried about their fellow bitch and didn't want me to end up tied up and gutted behind some sleazy tavern. Anyway, back to the subject at hand, I guess it depends on how much she has helped you and if your sudden departure will leave her in a lurch. Annnnnnnd, whether or not you care. If you split and leave her hanging you may burn a bridge that can never be rebuilt. Not to mention that you would be the Mayor of Skankville if you left her high and dry after she saved your ass from being homeless. Now, if you had some reason where you HAD to leave (wink wink)...you picking up what I am throwing down?! Maybe there is employment waiting for you where you want to go and you must move out sooner than you thought orrrrrr your friend really needs a babysitter or they will lose their job...ya know, really there is all kinds of shit that you can make up where you can leave and still be in good standing with your roommate. BUT, will you be able to live with yourself? 


With that said, my advice to you is this: put on your big girl panties and deal. You only have two months to live in this hell and then it will be over. She helped you out when you needed it and that's all there is to it. I'm sure letting you leave your shit all over her house and handing out money to you whenever you needed it wasn't one of her top priorities but she still did it for ya. This is proof that nothing in life is free. Time to pay the piper, lady.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

MEANIE VS. WIENIE

"My good friend is always so mean to me. She is constantly putting me down and I just don't know how much longer I can take it. What do I do?"

Oh man, what I really want to tell you is.......quit being a pussy. Grow a set and tell her to shut her fat mouth. Make fun of her and see how she likes it. Everyone has something about them that they are insecure about and if you are as good of friends as you claim to be, you know what it is. Use it against her. It may be the only way to make her see what she is doing to you. And, where the hell are your other friends while this biz is happening?! Do they just sit idly by like assholes while Queen Bitch is rude to you?! Because that is not what real friends do! If I knew someone was relentlessly torturing one of MY friends it would be on like Donkey Kong. My specialty is the verbal assault but I am not against using my hands to take a broad down. Hell, I will take a dude down. Done it. 

Anyway, Oscar Wilde said that a "true friend stabs you in the front" but it sounds like your friend is taking it to a whole new level with her bitchiness. If you are going to continue being friends with her (for some unknown reason) I guess the best way to figure it out is to do a list of pros and cons. If you end up with more pros than cons, you're going to have to deal. She is definitely a bitch, but probably deep down a good friend that will always have your back. You just need to convey to her that if she doesn't stop with the insults that you can't be friends anymore. If you have more cons than pros, kick that bitch to the curb. You don't have to take that shit. And, tell her that if she EVER says anything to you or about you, that might cause your feelings to be hurt, that you have people...people that hurt people...and do so enthusiastically. I got your back.

For real though, if you get anything out of this I hope its that you need to stand up for yourself, for god's sake. Jeesh. 

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

EXES AND HOES

"My new boyfriend constantly talks about his ex. How can I let him know that I am sick of hearing about her?"

Well, that's super annoying. However, you have to be careful when approaching this subject with your man because you don't want to be one of those needy bitches that can't hang when another woman's name is in their mouth. And, there actually is a positive in regards to this: take notes. For example, When he says something that annoyed him about her, try not to do whatever it is. When he talks about stuff they did together, try to do other things so as to not bring up the memories again and again. So, why does anyone do this, really? I can think of a couple of reasons. First thing that comes to mind is he is not over her yet. If this is the case, you just gotta make your mark, lady. For example, if you are alone (or not, whatever you fancy) and he brings up something about her, just start taking off your clothes, dude...then say, "I am sick of hearing about your ex...new memories, baby, new memories." Orrrr if you are not sex-crazed like myself then interrupt him with a neato-fun fact about yourself and finish with, "See?! I bet your ex isn't as cool as me yo," and laugh :) The only other thing that I can think of is maybe he hates her so much that it consumes him. I mean, they are exes for a reason. If this is the case then when he starts to bring up another irritating tidbit about her, tell him that you are not his ex and you won't do the things to him that she did. BUT, if he doesn't stop talking about her and comparing your relationship that you just might consider turning into an evil succubus. That you may just start sleeping with all his friends, cut up his favorite t-shirts, kick his dog, etc. If you are going to constantly be compared to this bitch than you might as well start acting like her. Maybe that will change his tune.

Honestly though, I don't know how ya do it. Way too much work for me and it sounds like he is not ready for a new relationship. If you talk to him about this and he doesn't stop talking about her then move on, sister. There are plenty of guys out there that DON'T talk about their exes.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

FAB TO FLAB

"I have been married to my wife for about 10 years and I love her dearly. However, when we met she was a size 6 and still wore make-up. Now she is a size 16, never wears make-up, never does her hair, wears sweats, etc. You get the point. I will never love her less but I am not really that attracted to her anymore. I don't want this to happen so how do I bring this up without being totally rude?"

This is a hard one because I don't see how you can actually say to your wife, "Wow honey, I really hate how you have let yourself go" unless of course you want the Asshole of the Year award. However, you may be able to fix it for yourself without ever saying a word. For instance, you don't want to see her in sweats everyday? Give her a handful of cash and tell her to go shopping. Your treat. Women eat that shit up and trust me when we go out and get new clothes the first thing we want to do is wear them day in and day out. You want her to care more about her appearance? For god's sakes take the woman out!! Maybe she wants a REASON to put on make-up and do her hair. If you set up certain nights (or days) where you have dinner or lunch dates she will want to look nice for you and herself. As for the weight gain, maybe you can buy gym memberships together and make a "date" of working out three times a week. It's easier to have motivation for that sort of thing when you have a partner making ya go.

If you do all this and you find that you are still feeling the same way then I want you to do this: look in the mirror, pal. You have also gained weight, you're losing your hair, and she hates the way you tuck your shirt in like Urkel...but she still loves you too. It's called marriage. You take the good with the bad because there are no guarantees. If that is what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!