LOVE BITES...SO BITE BACK

"I don't have a Valentine this year for the first time in FIVE years. 

How can I snap out of these Valentine's Day Blues?"

For real?! You want us to feel sorry for you that you are alone on Valentine's Day for the first time in FIVE years?! I know some people that have been alone EVERY Valentine's Day and they don't sit around feeling sorry for themselves. If you are throwing a pity party darlin', then you are on your own. I am a firm believer that just because you are alone doesn't mean you can't have a fab V-day!!! First of all, go get yourself something nice. Splurge, for crying out loud, it's Valentine's Day!! Ladies, go get yourself a dozen roses. Just because you are footing the bill doesn't make them any less beautiful sitting on your table top. Or better yet, go get that bag you have had your eye on that you told yourself you couldn't afford. Fellas, you too, go buy those awesome shades you have always wanted that those dumbshit girls you dated never bought you.  Make this day about me, myself, and I. Think about it, it will probably be the best Valentine's Day gift you have ever received. Another thing that can make you feel better is to know that you are NOT the only one alone on Valentine's Day. Grab your single friends and go out to dinner, get drunk, and make fun of all the past idiots you USED to spend V-day with. This is ALWAYS a good time. And, who knows, your slutty ass might even find another lonely soul to smush with on this pagan, sex-crazed holiday. 

So my lonely people, get out and do something nice for yourself instead of holing up in your house all alone watching sappy movies while crying in your gallon of rocky road. You will just make your eyes puffy and your ass fat and you will never find a Valentine that way...Sink your teeth in bitches, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY :)

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT

"I have a friend that just had a third child. She has a 4-yr old boy, 2-yr old girl, and now a 5-day old little boy who has down snydrome. Her 2-yr old and new baby have the same dad, her husband. Her husband is a piece of shit. He asked her for a divorce a week before she had this baby. He is never there for her, never helps with the kids, she has to ask for money from him and the list goes on. My question is, how do I tell her that I cant stand to hear about it since she is always going back and forth. I know deep down inside things will never change. I am so tired of listening to it but still want to be there as a friend. Any advice for me?"


Man oh man, have I been there!! There are not a whole lot of things worse than listening to the same sob story over and over and over again. When your friend talks mad shit about their man and how rough they have it and yet they do nothing to change the situation. I have not only been on this side of it, but I have also been on the other side. The one where I rant and rave about what a jackhole my man is to you then go home to him, make dinner, and then probably lay the undeserving S.O.B. 


HOWEVER, that is the definition of what being a friend is...sorry to say.  There are friend codes, my dear, and one of them is this: When your friend hates her man, you hate her man. When your friend loves her man, you love her man. You don't have to love what he is all about (because this particular one sounds like one giant piece of shit) but you have to respect your friend's feelings because you can't MAKE her leave the King of all Douchebags. She has to make up her own mind about what her future holds. Now, if you pop off about how you are sick of hearing about her fucking problems with the idiot she has chosen to procreate with, as well as vow to spend the rest of eternity with, you will just put more pressure on your friend and possibly ruin your friendship. 


With this said, just because you are supposed to have your friend's back no matter what, and listen to her complain about her life that she goes back to day after day, does not mean that you have to keep your opinions to yourself about her situation. Next time she starts in on another goddamn "You will never believe what my asshole husband did" story, maybe you could GENTLY say, "Have you ever noticed that every time you start to tell me something like this it is the same song and dance?" I say "GENTLY" because it takes a strong woman to break free from that special kind of nightmare. Especially when there are children involved and your friend is undoubtedly unemployed just having a baby and all. Anyway, what I am saying is not a lot of women can do it. The only women I know (myself included) that have done it have had really good friends and family by her side every step of the way. Life isn't easy (and hers sounds especially difficult) so you need to tell her in a tender way that you are kind of sick of hearing the same shit and the only way things will change is if she decides to change them. AND, that you will be there for her anytime and whenever she needs you...especially if she needs a car with a big trunk, or a shovel, or even something as simple as letting the police know she was at your house between 5pm and 9pm on the day of March 20th. Just sayin'...its friend code, people. 


And that is WHAT I THINK! HA!

THE MODERN DAY SLAVE

"I currently don't work but I have two kids that are both young and as you know that is a job in itself. I love being a mom so that is not my problem. My problem is that when my husband gets off work he expects the house to be clean, his laundry to be done, dinner to be ready (or at least near ready), and to basically be waited on hand and foot because he 'makes the bacon.' Whenever I ask him to help me he just laughs as though it is ridiculous. HELP ME BECAUSE I'M IN HELL."

Well, let me tell ya lady that you are not the only one in this position. A lot of women that stay home with their kids are stuck doing ALL the chores around the house and making sure that darling Susie isn't sticking a bobby pin in the electrical outlet and that little Bobby isn't breaking free and running two blocks down the street with a hypodermic needle he found along the way (apparently Bobby lives in a bad neighborhood). Anyway, your husband is not the only man that thinks this is your JOB to do so. Now before I come off as a man-hating feminist I have to state that obviously you should do more stuff around the house since you are there more and he works away from home. However, if you ask him to help you out with something he should be more than willing to take the time to help you. That is what being in a relationship is, give and take. I am not necessarily a stay-at-home mom because, well my twerpy kid is in the 4th grade so he is gone most of the day, however I do get the impression that He Who Shall Never Be Named expects me to do a lot of the chores and he definitely expects me to make his slightly growing ass something to eat every night. Now don't get it twisted, my man is learned...he would NEVER say that he expects me to do it or that it was my JOB. And ultimately this is the reason I do it. Because I want to feel as though I am contributing something to this household and not just because it is expected of me. SO, with that being said, your husband should never act as though you are the maid/cook/nanny and there are a couple of things that you can do to make him see the error of his ways:

1. First thing you should always do is simply talk to the man. Good communication is always key in a strong relationship. Tell him how overwhelmed you are feeling and that you just need his help. Talk to him in his language. For example, tell him that raising two little kids while keeping a home is like trying to drive a stick shift in the pouring rain on HWY 199 at the same time getting a blowjob while eating a double cheeseburger with everything on it...in other words, HECTIC and SLOPPY...and without the happy ending.

2. Go on strike. Stop doing the dishes, stop doing the laundry, let the kids draw on the walls while you watch you favorite daytime television. Make chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese for dinner for a week. Oh, and withholding sex is a sure fire way of getting what you want (see older blog entry called THE MUSTACHE). This one always works for me because He Who Shall Never Be Named likes a clean house and definitely likes the na na. Before you know it he is like, "What's wrong, baby? How can we fix this?" MUAHAHAHA Like putty in my hands.

3. Make plans to go out with some peeps and leave the kids at home with him for a change. Make sure you have given them ample amounts of candy and maybe a Rockstar or two. Put the noisiest toys they own within easy reach. Whisper in their cute little ears that there are no rules that night and Daddy loves playing any and every game they can think of, especially "Attack the Daddy," that's his favorite. When you return home make sure you say to him, "Now, can you imagine doing that WHILE cleaning this entire house and making three meals a day?" This should put it into perspective for him.

And, if none of these things work you might want to reevaluate your relationship with Douchey McDouchester. Because unfortunately you will slowly start to resent him, which it sounds like you might already, and this can lead to bigger and badder things down the road (yes, I said "badder"). He might need to be reminded that there are plenty of guys that are willing to help the one they love in order to make their lives easier resulting in a happier home. And, even the dumbest guys know that happier wives have more sex. Duh.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

HOMEWORK SCHOMEWORK

"What do you do when it is like pulling teeth to have your kids do their homework?"

WOW, welcome to my life! Every night when those words come out of my mouth "Okay, kid, it's time to do your homework," my child acts like the world is ending. It's like the battle of Superman and Darth Vader. Yeah, I get them mixed up but you catch my drift. I think this will always be a battle of wills no matter who you are. However mixed up my interpretations may be I know exactly what you are talking about. I myself have a 10-yr old that NEVER wants to do his homework. I have yelled, screamed, and sometimes kicked him (okay, maybe I haven't kicked him...but I wanted to) to get my kid to do his homework in a timely fashion but let's face it, do you remember what it is like to do homework? I do. Simply because I just spent the last SIX or SEVEN years doing my own homework and I hated. every. second. of. it. It's human nature to avoid it and procrastinate doing it until the very last second. Here is what has worked for me:

1. Sit down WITH them to do it. I make it seem "fun." I have managed to make some of his homework like a game. For instance, when he has a spelling test the next day, I tell him that whoever spells it correctly first gets bragging rights. Me, being the AWESOME speller that I am, my kid thinks it is hilarious when he beats me (like that could ever really happen). Granted I let him win once in a great while but when he "beats" me he gets to say all night that he could spell "dichotomous" and I couldn't (which, for the record I can spell and I actually know what it means).

2. I tell him that if he doesn't do his homework he can't watch The Simpsons (or whatever show he really, really, really, wants to watch), a show that I despise and would totally not let him watch if it wasn't for the fact that I watched way worse things as a child and he already thinks everyone should "eat his shorts."

3. Bribery is not a baaaaaad thing. Hang a donut over his head (jeez, another Simpsons reference), or tell him that if he doesn't do his homework you will tell his teacher to make him stay in the classroom to finish it while all the other brats play 4-square (his favorite game). And, by the way, I have totally done this.

All of these should work for older kids to, just modify. If none of the above work, PRAY. Because your kid will not, and does not, care. There is no help for you. BUT, I will tell you that when I was a child I never lived up to my potential. I simply did not care. I had a 2.3 GPA when I graduated from high school and when I FINALLY went to college at age 27...I had a 3.5 and above my entire college career. So, even though your kids aren't down with the math and the writing now, know that it may not always be this way. Who knows, maybe your kid will win American Idol and we all know that you don't need to be smart to do that.

And that is...TWAT I THINK! HA! (That was for you, Tina :)

YOU CAN PICK YOUR NOSE, BUT YOU CAN'T PICK YOUR FAMILY

"I can't stand my sister, my cousin, hell half of my family...

what do you do when you hate the people you are supposed to love?"

First of all, "hate" is such a strong word. I mean, I'm all for it when talking about exercise orrrrr salad...but when talking about your family?? Noooot okay. Besides, I wouldn't know because I freaking butt-love my family...even the ones that aren't blood. However, in some cases, there are situations where cutting a family member out of your life is totally valid. I have a friend who has given her mom so many chances its kind of ridiculous...and in my opinion that beezy should have been cut loose years ago. Anyway, I guess it depends on how they have wronged you. It's a thin line but I would say if it's something you can forgive a friend for, then definitely you can forgive a family member. If it is something that you could never forgive the friend for and you hope they fall off the side of the earth into a fiery pit, then even with time some family members should be pardoned (obviously with some exceptions, i.e. abuse). I've been on both sides of this where I have been apologized to and where I have had to suck it up and be the apologizer...and sometimes it's painful, I know. But their your FAMILY, the peeps that have your back no matter what. The peeps that would take on the bitchiest girls in your new school because they were mean to you. Or, the peeps that would call someone out for dogging your mom. Or, the peeps that would drive 2 1/2 hours to give a beatdown to some broad talking smack about you. Shit, I would do all of this just for a friend...lord knows what I would do for my family :)

If you think about this and you realize that your family really hasn't done anything in particular, you only "hate" them because they just plain grate on your nerves, I suggest to stay away from them until the holidays when you HAVE to hang out with them. Then put on a happy face and get over it because it's only a couple of times a year that you have to put up with their annoying asses, and they are family. Besides, just because they are your kin doesn't mean you have to be friends with them. All in all, life is too short to "hate" the people that you are related to. Especially since they could possibly be the only people in the world to knock a bitch of her barstool while breaking a beer bottle on an adjacent table to maim if needed and not care about the consequences.

And that is...WHAT I THINK. HA!

I'M A SAD FACE

"I'm so depressed all the time and I don't know how to break out of it. Any suggestions?"

Weird that you should ask this particular question because I was also just in a funk and I didn't know how to break free. To get out from under it I think it depends on what kind of funk you are in...For funsies let's go over a few...

If you are in an I HATE MY JOB funk:
Next time you are at work stop and think about why you hate it there. If it is a co-worker or the boss, maybe talk to them about your relationship and how to make it better. If he/she is still an asshole to be around, start a nasty rumor about them and sit back to watch the ugliness unfold. If the reason you hate your job is because you don't like the work, then get off your ass and start looking for a new job. Be in charge of your own destiny fool!

If you are in a CAN'T FIND A JOB or the BOREDOM funk:
This was the funk I was just in. I figured it out though! Since I can't find a job to save my life (none that I want anyway) I realized that I was bored. I mean, I have all these skills and creativity being stifled! What is a girl to do? Start a blog yo, that's what. Really though, ya just need to find something you are interested in and start a hobby. You gotta keep your mind stimulated so it doesn't atrophy in these in between stages. The brain can easily turn into mush when all you have to think about is when to water the plants and what episodes of Law and Order are on secretly hoping they aren't ones you have seen already knowing that you will watch them anyway. Welcome to my life...

If you are in a RELATIONSHIP funk: 
If you are single and in this particular funk, put on your sassiest clothes (you too boys), grab up some friends, and go get your groove on. This won't cure the funk per se but you might catch an eye or two and this always makes a person feel good. If you are in a relationship and in this funk you might want to catch my earlier blog "THE GRASS ISN'T ALWAYS GREENER." Man, this is a hard one because a lot of times when you are in a relationship funk it just takes a little adjusting and some time. Or simply (or not so simply) moving on to something new.

If you are in an I'M FAT funk:

Take the fucking twinkie out of your mouth and go for a walk. Nothing to strenuous that your fat ass can't handle, just a walk. Not only will you feel like you got a little exercise but it will help you clear your mind. Get up tomorrow and do the same thing...before you know it you have lost 10 lbs. 

If none of the above relate to your particular funk, I got nothing...except you can go get drunk. Not a way to get unfunkified but it will work for right now.

And that is...WHAT I THINK. HA!

WHILE THE CAT IS AWAY, THE MOUSE MAY STRAY

"Sometimes my husband and myself go out with another couple for date night. It's fun until my girlfriend starts flirting with everyone and anyone in the restaurant/bar. Her husband doesn't seem to mind but my husband gets so pissed. I have to say that I also think she is being sort of trampy. Is it wrong to flirt with other people while you are married, especially if your husband is present?"

UM, HELLOOOOOO, flirting is totally normal and especially if the husband is present! If the husband doesn't seem to give a shit then...why do you? Furthermore, why does YOUR husband care? I'm thinking that the only reason your husband cares is because he is visualizing YOU doing this. Some people are just natural born flirts and when you add alcohol this inborn trait cannot be contained. But my thing is this: if it's not hurting anyone, who gives a rip?! Especially if the husband is ringside giving the go ahead. However, if the flirting happens while the husband is NOT around this may be another issue all in itself. I'm not saying it's baaaaad, I'm just saying it could possibly lead to other highly inappropriate things while the husband is away (see title HAHA). If the flirting leads to something else this is definitely not okay. I have personally known peeps that have the tendency to flirt and it is harmless fun. BUT, I have also known other peeps that flirt on occasion and end up being bent over the garbage cans behind the trashiest bar in town (you know who you are). Anyway, my advice is to tell your husband to lighten up...it's not YOU doing it after all AND flirting is F-U-N, so as long as you "get your appetite and then come home for dinner" where is the harm?