IT IS WHAT IT IS

"I grew up in the city, for the most part. Sports went like this: You go to tryouts, they made cuts, if you made the cut, you made the team, if not better luck next year. Small town sports seem to go like this: Anyone who shows up is on the team. So regardless of whether or not you only need maybe 10 total players if 20 show up then 20 kids are on the team. Now, while I marvel at the fact that my son gets a lot of play time I also sit heartbroken for the boys on the bench who barely get to play if they even play at all, especially when the majority of the boys on the bench have skills.  It is sad to see the parents come to games to see their kid play and they don't ever play! It seems as though we leave the games seeing pissed off parents and pissed off kids.  I mean it is what it is, I guess, but my question to you is this, is it better to be cut or better to be part of the team and not get to play much?"

This is a great question because I find myself wondering this exact same thing ALL the time. It really didn't hit me until this last year when my son was in the 3rd grade and he was playing minors in baseball. Not t-ball, not coach pitch...minors. I guess I am pointing that out because when they are little I get it. Ya know, they don't really know the sport yet and they are still cute running from 1st to 3rd straight across because they have no fucking idea what they are doing. But, by the time they have reached minors and they are 8-9 years old, and then proceed to turn into full fledged teenage assholes, they are old enough to get the concept and rules of the game. All in all, we are not doing the children of this generation any favors by acting this way regarding sports.


And, while we are on this subject, ya know what absolutely kills me??!! That not only does EVERYBODY make the team but they ALL get a damn trophy at the end.  What the F is that all about? Back in my day, only the greats got acknowledgement...it was part of what made it special for the talented ones. Ya know, the ones that practice their little hearts out in order to be the best. The ones that live, eat, and breath that particular sport and actually work at being the best. We shouldn't just hand out honors and trophies to EVERYONE because it gives them a false sense of entitlement that will in the long run set them up for disappointment on so many levels...not just in sports, but in life. For example, when they go to apply for that job and they don't get it, they will blame the company, not the fact that they just didn't have the goods for the job. Or, when they grow up and try out for a college team and they don't make the cut, they will blame the coach or the college, not their disillusioned selves. But, like you said, "It is what it is" and the only way to make a change in your small town is to maybe try out coaching yourself and tell the unfortunate souls whose best talents are eating Twinkies and playing X-Box that there is a Halo-hotdog eating contest in the next town over. 


I don't even know if I answered this question but it sure was fun venting about it. THANKS!!!


And that is...WHAT I THINK. HA!

SHAPE UP OR SHIP OUT

"I have a friend who has been one of my best friends since I moved here my junior year.  We have stayed close friends even when we didn't live close by, and a year and a half ago she moved only a couple of blocks away. Lately we only see each other about once a month, and here is why- while she is a good friend she is a terrible mother... she has two boys, 8 and 2. I had them over for dinner last night as my husband is working out of town (he can't stand them). Within five minutes I was regretting it.  Her kids run wild and thrash everything and I find myself telling them don't jump on the couch (yes, with shoes on), sit your butt in the chair (we have HARD tile floors), don't throw that toy, it cost $80, etc. All the while she just looks the other way. She doesn't take things well and I don't know how to tell her that I can't stand her misbehaving children. She mentions often how we don't get together that much anymore  and it's not that I don't like her, I just don't like her as a mother."


There is nothing I hate worse than kids that don't listen...especially at my goddamn house.  I don't care who the kids belong to, there are rules at MY house. As a matter of fact, I do it to random people's kids that I don't know. I actually crawled into a ball pit at McDonald's when my son was about three-yrs old because a big kid was in there pitching fast balls at my kid's face. His mom was just standing there watching as I knocked on the window and nicely ask her fuckface child to knock it off. He didn't, she wouldn't, and so I DID. You know when he saw me comin' at him that he better stop or he might not ever see the tender age of 7.  


However, I wasn't always this way. When my son was younger, I pretty much let him rule the roost. One of the worst things he did was always tell me "NO." Honestly, I was probably just as bad as this friend of yours. But, THANK GOD I have a friend (gotta give a shout out to my girl, Rhiannon) who one day observed my son's behavior and how he shouted, "NO!" at me and she turned and looked at me in disgust and said, "Are you really going to let him talk to you like that?!"  I was dumbfounded..."Ummm, I guess not??"  From that day on, I asserted my motherly powers and lived to say, "Because I said so."


In your case, however, I don't think you should talk to her about it at first.  Especially if she is a sensi-pants and can't take constructive criticism.  What I would do is the next time they come over, show those little assholes who's boss! First, put the expensive toys up when they come over. I always tell my son that so-and-so is coming over so if you don't want them playing with your favorite shizz, and possibly smashing it to smithereens, then put it up.  Second, it sounds like you do take it upon yourself to let them know what's up by telling them not to do things, but it also sounds like there are no consequences. When they decide that your couch is a bouncy house, tell them ONCE that the couch is for sitting, not for jumping. If they keep doing it tell them that the consequence for not listening is a time-out orrrrr no dessert. That dessert one is kind of a fun one because everyone gets to eat chocolate chip cookies in front of them while they sulk and are reminded of WHY they aren't getting any. Guarantee the next time they are at your house for dinner and they are being little jerks, throw that no-dessert thing out there, I bet they change their tune right quick. My personal favorite is if they don't listen they will have to go home. My house is like Disneyland on crack so none of them ever want to leave therefore it works best for me. If you look to her to comply when they start acting up (and it sounds like they will) and she decides to stand idly by with her head crammed up her ass you have to take the wheel and punish them yourself. Your friend might not like this but it will definitely wake her up. She will be forced to think about her kids' obnoxious conduct and how it is affecting you and your household. This way you don't have to actually have the awkward talk about her brats, you can just SHOW her how it's done.


IMPORTANT: If you say you are going to give them a time out, or take away their dessert, or tell them they have to go home...you MUST follow through. If there is one thing I have learned in all my parenting days it is that consistency is the key. Otherwise these hellions will continue to walk all over you where eventually you will hate them, you will resent her, and a friendship will be ruined. GOOD LUCK!


And that is...WHAT I THINK. HA!

WHY THE HELL NOT?

"There is this girl. She is absolutely adamant that she is head over heels in love with me. Or something like that. However, this is not a girl I would normally find myself dating. Not that she's unattractive, because I find her totally hot, she just has a whole carton of baggage. And not your run of the mill everybody's got baggage kind of baggage. The worst thing is she's about as flaky as a stale croissant. She never follows through with what she says she's going to do. My question is this...does this chick genuinely sound interested to you? Or should I go on about my life like I pretty much have been?"

AGAIN, I should never give dating advice so do what you want with this tidbit of advice...

I'm reading this and the first thing that comes to my mind is, "Why the F would you want to date someone with 'a whole carton of baggage?'"  Then moments later, I thought, "Why the F would you want to be with someone 'flakier than a stale croissant?'"  Then I realize that I myself was packing around enough baggage to hold a year's worth of clothes, shoes, make-up, and whatever ridiculous knick-knacks you are bringing back for the brats when He Who Shall Never Be Named asked me out.  Additionally, I am probably FLAKIER than a stale croissant (true story, ask any of my friends).  Should you wrap yourself in the drama and craziness that more than likely accompanies this broad just for some ass??? NO NO NO, I am here to tell you it is not worth it.  But should you get involved in her drama possibly for love? I say go for it.  I mean, what do you have to lose?  Except maybe some nights where you wish you could stick a fork in your eye because her baggage is now YOUR baggage.  Or, she bails on you for the hundredth time and you're stuck holding the bag. Ya never know, you may even come to understand her quirks and maybe even why she is so flaky...could have something to do with her "baggage."  I mean, you could be the guy that turns it all around where eventually she could only have a backpack to carry around.

I don't know, my friend, I guess it depends on how much of yourself you are willing to give for this chick. All I do know is that He Who Shall Never Be Named took a chance on me and we are in love...the good, sex-filled, true kind...even with my flakiness (yes, that doesn't go away) and my baggage (which he now helps me carry).  So I guess my advice is this: If you don't take the chance, how will you ever know?

And that is WHAT I THINK...HA!

THE MUSTACHE

"What do you do when your husband thinks it's a good idea to grow a mustache?" 

There is nothing worse than not being attracted to your mate and if him growing a mustache is going to throw you over the edge, you need to be honest with him.  If the honesty bit doesn't work then cut to the chase and start withholding sex.  Seriously, if you say, "I'm sorry but seeing you with that mustache is killing my sex drive" more than likely his face will be smoother than a babies butt by the next day.  If he does not listen to your pleas or take the extortion seriously then simply start making fun of him.  For example, He Who Shall Never Be Named does not wear the facial hair well because it is bright red (oh yeah, I'm in love with a ginger).  And, he never takes my blackmail seriously because he knows I do it all for the nookie and there is no way I can outlast him.  So when he momentarily loses his mind and wants to grow a beard, I just walk around saying "Ol' Red Beard" like a pirate and he can't stand it...so he shaves it.  Seriously, if your man doesn't shave it off just to bug you and he doesn't care what YOU think, he still definitely cares what OTHER people think therefore if he thinks he looks ridiculous, he will get rid of it.   

If none of the above works for you then my best advice is to fight hair...with hair.  You should tell him that your favorite thing to do ISN'T shaving your legs so you might just stop doing that.  Or, better yet, tell him you are thinking about growing your own 'stache.  Lord knows getting a wax on that upper lip is not the best of times. I guarantee he will rethink growing a mustache when he sees you have a 5:00 shadow and your eyebrows are growing together. 

And that is WHAT I THINK...HA!

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MR. RIGHT NOW

"Do you think I am ever going to be worthy of the 'right man' or 

should I just chill with being the crazy cat lady??"

I believe the answer to this question varies for different peeps but for the purpose of this blog entry I am going to direct my opinion towards the person that asked me. Honey child, you are so WORTH the "right man!!!" If you would have said that in my presence I would have bitch slapped you...seriously, I would have slapped you so hard your unborn "fuck trophy" would have felt it. With that said, you need to be right with yourself first before you should even begin looking for Mr. Right. You are still so young and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being alone for awhile (I should mention that being alone is my heaven). Don't get me wrong, I totally understand that need for companionship, but what is wrong with just hanging out with Mr. Right Now until you figure yourself out and what you really want in life. Because the worst thing you can do is rush into something and settle. Then years down the road you will have made a life with someone that you just settled on...NO BUENO. All that leads to is a life of complication and resentment. Not to sound like a man-hating feminist but "you no need no steenking man" in order to be happy. Besides you have great friends that love you that would be more than willing to go on dates and then spoon you. 

Furthermore, what exactly is your definition of Mr. Right?! Someone who drives a fancy truck and will call you back once in awhile? You, my friend, are a wonderful person who deserves so much more. You have always settled with these fucking guys that treat you like shit and walk all over you. You need to break out of this vicious cycle, dollface. There are three things that make a good relationship: compatibility, communication, and respect. Along with these things, Mr. Right is someone that patiently loves you unconditionally, will "catch a grenade for you" (sorry, love that Bruno Mars), and is willing to put in the work that it takes to stay happy. There aren't many of them, sad but true. However, I know if you took some time and actually STOPPED caring about this kind of shit Mr. Right will fall right in your lap. I am living proof of this biz. I was done with men when this guy (He Who Shall Never Be Named) would not stop asking me out. I said no over and over and over because I was having some "me" time. I finally broke down and went out with him...and fell in LOVE...and he found ME. Oh, he has his moments where I want to quietly pull a plastic bag over his head while he sleeps but even he will tell you that he is a "good guy." (This is his favorite thing to say about himself) But, even though he is a great guy we still have to put in work to make it last. I mean, I am the biggest brat on the planet and so hard to live with and yet I found someone who loves me and we are actually happy. I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone...even for your crazy ass. 

Soooooo, I hope you are hearing me LOUD AND CLEAR...I'm saying figure out yourself and what you want, don't be weird about being alone, and "get in where you fit in HO" with Mr. Right Now...just until Mr. Right finds YOU.

And that is WHAT I THINK...HA!

P.S. "Fuck trophy" is her word for baby, not mine. Please do not send me hate mail :)

THE GRASS ISN'T ALWAYS GREENER

"I have been in a relationship with a man for a very long time. We have amazing children but we never have married. He says he loves me but never shows it. He has depression and anger issues. He does nothing for our relationship or our family. I do love him and love my family just not in love with him anymore. So along comes my first real love and guess what?? Years later I still feel the same about him. I have a stable life and my children are in a great place with a nice home. My new love (or old depending how you look at it) lives a completely different life. But he treats me like a queen.  He tells me he loves me, kisses me, wants to do things for me.....HELP!!!!"

I need to throw in a disclaimer right off the bat here because I am the LAST person that should be giving out relationship advice. I've pretty much screwed up every single one I have ever been in but here goes anyway...


People that have been together for as long as you have get stuck in ruts...happens ALLLLL the TIIIIIIIME. And of course this new-old guy "treats you like a queen," "loves" you, "kisses" you, and "wants to do things" for you. They all do...at first. There is nothing like feeling that rush of talking to or seeing the one person you loved once upon a time. But, does this person know you? Really know you? Flings from the past don't know what you have become. I mean, let's get real here. Does he know that you have pushed out children and that area down yonder doesn't look the same and certainly doesn't feel the same. Crass? YES. True? Definitely yes. Does he know that your children will take precedence over ANYTHING he might think is important...and I mean ANYTHING?? Does he know the way you like your eggs in the morning? Does he know your pet peeves? Does he know not to touch the DVR when your shows are recording??!! Okay shit...that's me and my relationship. ANYWAY, what I am getting at is YES your relationship feels crappy and YES its exciting talking to a guy that makes you feel good because you have lost it with your current one. But you of all people should know that jazz fades, sometimes as soon as a few months in!  Now, ask yourself this...does the man you are currently with know these things about you? Most likely. Does he not only know that your children take #1 priority, but also feels the same way about your children? Most definitely. He not only knows what you have become, he knows how you got there.


I always try to put the shoe on the other foot because it helps me to put things into perspective...How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Your current man is not feelin' ya and he is connecting with an old love. You now have to imagine him with that person canoodling on a beach somewhere while your children play in the surf. How does that feel? Not good, right? Now I know this is so cliche' and I hate myself for even saying it but you could try counseling. A lot of relationship problems stem from communication issues. I should know because most of my communication has the F-word and occasionally the C-word. My boyfriend doesn't like that...However, I do know a few people that have done it and it helps. Think of it this way: You can get it all out and a third party decides. Also, my favorite way of "fixing" things is in the bedroom. I know right now you don't feel like he deserves this kind of treatment but I want to tell you something. When my boyfriend is being the ASSHOLE of all ASSHOLES I will still slink into a teddy and wake him up with a little something-something and boy oh boy does the mood change. He feels bad about the way he was acting, apologizes profusely (even when it was MY fault), and is nice as pie the next day. I don't know a lot but I know this, when you are stuck in a rut something has gotta give. If it's not you and he's not doing it either then where does that leave you? I'll tell ya, in a shitty relationship wasting the ONE life you have. However, before you start playing fast and loose with your future (and your children's) you need to think long and hard about your choices and the consequences. 


With that said, playing the "What If?" game is never fun. You should keep the "other" guy strung along while trying to work it out with your current one. HA! Hey, I told you I wasn't good at this shit...but that is what I would do. It's really not fair to the other guy but who really cares...I mean, you haven't talked to him in years and who cares if he gets mad and makes it years until the next time.


Now, if you try all this and the guy you are currently with is still an asshole...kick him to the curb and get some strange girl. Dumbass should have put a ring on it...


And that is WHAT I THINK...HA!

TO SMOTHER OR NOT TO SMOTHER

"What do you do when you can't stand your kids?"

Okay, so it's not funny to talk about smothering your kids but any of you that actually HAVE kids (all the rest of you can keep your goddamn opinions to yourself) know that occasionally children can be frustrating and can take you unknowingly to the brink of madness. I know this because I myself have a little know-it-all and when I get to the point where I want to scream, "HOLY SHIT, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME" I stop and breathe and realize this little bastard is my reason for living. I have never loved anything or anyone as much as I love him and I know that he feels the same way about me. For the toddler mom or dad, my advice to you is to remove yourself from this child for at least 30 minutes before you dropkick the poor thing. It's not his fault he is annoying the shit out of you. It is just the unfortunate stage where they need you to do everything for them whether you want to or not and they are constantly up in your grill. For the adolescent/preteen mom or dad, give them a project to get them out of your hair. Whether it be building something out of Legos, making a fort (in their OWN room), or riding their bikes...hell, play a video game (don't judge me). Anything as long as they are away from you for an hour or so as to regain your sanity and your love for them. For the teenager mom or dad, there is no saving you. Lock yourself in your bedroom with bottles of wine for about 3-4 years counting each new gray hair that you find and ride it out.  I don't have a teenager myself but if mine is anything like I was I want to be drunk for most of it.

All joking aside, children need their parents to love them and be kind to them no matter how big of an asshole they are. "Smother" them with hugs and kisses and pray for the best!!!

And that is WHAT I THINK...HA!

GIA

"I find myself hating my job, there is zero challenge in it and quite frankly I've gotten lazy. I want to be in a bigger town where I could possibly have some resemblance of a life. However, the idea of picking up and moving scares the Jesus out of me...but my Mom is gone, my sister has her own life, and my 18-year old daughter is doing her own thing...I'll miss my friends here, but I have friends everywhere...cause doggone it...people like me...so "What do you think?"

WELL, Gia, I think I answered this on Facebook but let me elaborate...GET THE FUCK OUT!!! It sounds as if you are STUCK and the only thing holding you there is friends. Friends that I am sure would support you 100% with whatever decision you make. And, did you say you were scared?! WHAT?! Maybe that feeling you are having isn't fear but EXCITEMENT of the thought of change. You need to put on your big girl panties and step out into the big world...think of the possibilities!!! Besides that, you never know what tall, dark,and handsome deliciousness you might find out there. Because let's be real lady, you ain't finding that shizz Gold Beach...

And that is WHAT I THINK...HA!