BURNT CHEETOS

“I tan on a pretty regular basis because I like to maintain my glow year 'round. But, sometimes my friends will either give me shit because I'm so dark or give me shit about skin cancer. What is your take on tanning?"

I used to be a slave to the tanning bed when I was younger. Dude, do you know why?! Because tan fat looks better than white fat, and that is a fact. That's why my bleepety-bleep-bleep pounds of ass still squeezes  into a  two-piece every. damn. summer. I even tried on a one-piece this summer and it just wasn't right, couldn't do it. Anyhoo, I shouldn't say "slave" because I'm an Injun' so it takes me two times in the tanning bed and then I'm outside most of the summer anyway with my twerp. Now, that kid is two different kinds of Injun so you should see how dark he gets...with his little white ass crack always hanging out. Always.

Then I just get white in the winter. Annnnnnnd, I will tell ya why. I should never go in the sun as much as I do because I have totally had Melanoma...yeah, TOTALLY can you believe it?! Caught it early because I have lots of moles and I saw a tiny, little black one on my leg that I never noticed before. Went to get it checked out, next thing I know Dr. Pasty Perfectskin is hacking away at my leg. Had to go in twice to get it all out. Guh-ross, I know. So this is why in the summer I wear so much sunscreen it's ridiculous. Ask all my freeeenz, I have always said, "The best tan you can get is SPF 50!" I'm darker than all them beeeeetches. Anyway, being in the sun/tanning bed/laying in a chair with an aluminum reflector board (I’m putting this last one there in speedos, yup) has been medically proven to cause skin cancer, so grab some shade once in awhile. This biz also causes other sorts of not-fun stuff. Like, getting a suntan moustache…don’t forget the upper lip, girls.

So I guess my advice is to do whatever the hell you want to do but don’t go overboard. I still tan a few times a year usually right before summer because I get all spring fever crazy (and I reeeeeally shouldn’t.) But, I do it because it makes me feel sexier when I’m in my shorty shorts and tank tops, and honestly it feels good to have a minute to yourself in that bed, for reals. But, it’s just like every other good thing in the world, you gotta have it in moderation. BLAH. However, self-control is especially important with tanning! Besides the health risks involved you also have these broads that look like they just had an all out wrestling match with Chester the Cheetah. I want to say, “Step out of the tanning bed, lady.” But not in a mean way…like, in a favor way…like when someone has something green in their teeth and you tell them.  Like that. Okay, I’m all over the place but what I’m trying to get across is do whatever makes you happy…in moderation. My take on life is that it is too damn short to not take risks and do what makes you happy. Every day like it’s the last YO…in moderation.

And…That is WHAT I THINK! HA!

TROLLING FOR HOGS

"So you're a chick...how do I get a chick to go out with me?"

Oh shit, I don't know. You could start by not calling us "chicks" and just open your mouth and ask her. HA! Seriously though, it took He Who Shall Never Be Named six months to get this broad to go out with him. He tried everything. He asked me to the movies, dinner, biking, etc. I turned him down over and over and over. I had bad break-up drama and serious baggage that I needed to work through first (not that you really need that particular info) but you know what finally did it for me? He said, "Okay, this is the LAST TIME I am asking you...will you go skiing with me this weekend?" And I thought to myself, "Really? The LAST TIME huh?!" Wellllll, alright then...and the rest is history. So if you really like this "chick," be persistent. If she starts being a bitch and gets a restraining order on you then back off buddy. Es no bueno, she doesn't like you and move on.

If you do grow a set and ask her to go out with you and she says yes, us "chicks" also like to be wined and dined...with flowers and door opening, all that cheesy shit. Some pretend they don't, but they do. Ask her to dinner, bring flowers when you pick her up, take her somewhere nice, and whatever you do...I'm going to say this again...whatever you do, DO NOT LET HER PICK UP THE TAB. Even if she insists on paying half. This happened to me with He Who Shall Never Be Named and it was a major turnoff because he literally made me pay for half almost every time we went to dinner because I insisted the first time. My fault. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. But his fault too for allowing it to happen. Good thing he was so good in the sack or he would have been dunzo by the third date (yes, I said third date).

Also, cater your dates to what she likes to do, which hopefully are similar to the things you like to do. For example, my man likes to hike up mountains, cycle, go to the river, etc. Outdoorsy biz, ya know. I like to do half of that jazz. Hiking up mountains...meh. Cycling, I love. Going to the river and floating a raft, I love. So he would ask me to do stuff we both liked and when it came to stuff he knew I wouldn't "love" he made it not so hardcore. For example, instead of taking me on a hike where I would almost die halfway through because my body wants whiskey and not water, he would take me on a hike that was almost on level ground and bring a flask :)

The best advice I can give you is to be yourself...even if you're an asshole, because eventually your real self is going to come out and she won't like you anymore if you've been faking all along. And, trust me when I say, there are plenty of idiot women (no offense to the assholes...or idiot women) that like to be with dudes that are assholes. I personally don't get it...probably something with their upbringing but that is a whole other blog entry.Good luck with the hog troll, buddy. And, don't forget STDs are no fun and some are incurable so don't forget the raincoat. And maybe even double up, it's a crazy, wild world out there.

And...THAT IS WHAT I THINK! HA!

FRACKAMAJAZZ PETERSON

“Why do people insist on naming their babies stupid names? I mean, do these people realize that their kids are going to be stuck with them FOREVER?!”

First of all, I think it is hilarious that you are asking a person that named her son MAXIMUS this question. Although, Maximus is a pretty bitchin’ name in my opinion.  And this is where I will begin…it is YOUR opinion that people are naming their kids something stupid. I’m sure other people like their friends’ stupid baby names. Don’t get me wrong, I get what you are saying. I know a few that have given their children some seriously out there names. And the WAY they are spelling them KILLS ME, too. But, who cares? Not me YO.  It’s not your kid that will have to explain to every teacher/friend they ever have how to pronounce it or spell it almost every day of their lives. It’s not your kid that will potentially be beaten up when they attend school in their later years because they have a “stupid” name. For example, my kid is named (not literally, of course) after an ass muscle, gluteus maximus. But, I figure by the time his peers figure out that little tidbit of information he will be in middle school and able to kick their asses. He is a Peterson/Baines, so here’s to hoping he can hold his own around then.

Plain and simple, it’s not your damn kid so let it go maaaaaaan. There is nothing you can do about it unless of course you want to offend someone. Annnnnnnnd, trust that I have done this and it doesn't end well. I made fun of a friend's new car one time and she was pissed at me (you know who you are HAHA). Can you imagine if I made fun of her kid's name?! So buck up and deal with the stupid baby names. You don't have to like the name, you can even hate it but you will put on your fake smile and say, "Oh what a....unique...name." Or you can go the other route and say, "Holy shit, for reals?!" I've done both and I'm just sayin' that the first one goes over waaaaaaaaay better.