IF YOU LOVE THEM, SET THEM FREE

“I’m kind of dating two girls…I know, I know, I’m a bad person. I have to figure this out though because one of them has given me an ultimatum. She is going to move on if I don’t commit.”

You are not a “bad person” because you are dating two girls. As long as you aren’t married, you haven’t defined the relationship with either of them, and you wrap that shit up. Seriously, throw a condom on...maybe two, depending on who it is you are dating. For real though, I “like” about 42 different guys. Forty one of them are rockstars, actors, athletes, and hot doctors. Yes, hot doctors…what’s not to like? Anyway, there is nothing wrong with liking more than one person at a time. I honestly believe the human species is probably not supposed to be monogamous. You don’t have to act on it but inside everyone is interested in more than one person. I have to say though, whenever I am given an ultimatum, I’m out. It’s just so needy. I feel like if you have to throw out an “or else” then something is already not working. Why would you want to start off a relationship when you have to work at it right off the bat? That’s no fun. Annnnd, that is what relationships are supposed to be…FUN. Of course, I am so low maintenance when it comes to this biz. I dated a guy once, we lived a couple of hours away from each other, and he kept saying, “How are we going to make this work?” I replied with, “How about we don’t worry about that and just do this until it isn’t fun anymore?” Because when you put too many stipulations on a relationship it becomes more of a business agreement and not spontaneous and free like it should be. So with that said, here is a checklist for you since you apparently HAVE TO decide.

CHECKLIST:

·         Does one make you laugh more than the other?

·         Is one a better kisser than the other? Better at sex? This is right up there with laughing…

·         Does one of them get along better with your family and friends? This is also an important one.

·         Does only one of the two give you blowjobs? Go a couple of years without one and you’ll see how important this one is.

·         Is one more high maintenance than the other?

·         Is one more compatible to your way of thinking?

·         Like the same music?

·         Does one take a better after morning Polaroid?!?!?!  (SHOUT OUT, DAN!!)

If you still can’t figure it out after the pros and cons checklist then you need to grow some balls and tell Ultimatum Girl to kick rocks. If she really likes you, she’s not going anywhere. How does that saying go? Set it free, if it loves you it will come back or some shit? I would go with that theory because if you’re not feeling it 100%, and you obviously aren’t or you wouldn’t be sweating it, then what is the point?! 

KIDLESS PARENTING

“Why do people without kids feel the need to give me advice about mine?”

First, I would need to know whether this happens to you a lot. If people are constantly coming up to you and giving you the lowdown on how your kids are acting then I would say the answer is simple: your kids are assholes. Seriously, if you have friends and random strangers telling you they can’t believe the way your kids are behaving then you have a problem. Just because people don’t have any kids of their own doesn’t mean they don’t have legit advice. For example, I have only had that happen to me ONCE and it was a friend that couldn’t believe I was letting my kid talk to me the way he was…and this friend was right. I ended that shit quick.

Now, if there are just a couple of friends who are kidless and saying crap like, “When I have a kid I will never let them stay up this late” or “when I have a kid I will never let them have soda” then I get it, that is superduper annoying. People without kids can’t have an opinion on those things because they have NO IDEA what they will do “when they have a kid.” It’s not like parenting comes with a manual, although it should. Unfortunately, being a parent is a lot of learn-as-you-go and nobody is perfect. Besides this is life and there are things you cannot control. Such as, your shithead sister giving your kid a bowl of sugar cereal they aren't allowed to have. Orrrrr your kids going to a friend's house and staying up all night playing that game they aren't supposed to play. People that don't have kids and think they have it all figured out are fooling themselves. 

So, when these peeps do this to you just tuck that shit into the back burner of your brain for when their time comes. Ya know, the time when they are finally parents and you see them shoving candy and inappropriate television shows in their kids’ faces just to shut them the fuck up for five minutes. Trust that this will happen and you can say “Remember that time you said…” You can sit back and laugh because the whirlwind of parenthood just might hit these people right in the kisser...and when it does, they won’t know what hit them.

And that is…WHAT I THINK! HA!