BURNT CHEETOS

“I tan on a pretty regular basis because I like to maintain my glow year 'round. But, sometimes my friends will either give me shit because I'm so dark or give me shit about skin cancer. What is your take on tanning?"

I used to be a slave to the tanning bed when I was younger. Dude, do you know why?! Because tan fat looks better than white fat, and that is a fact. That's why my bleepety-bleep-bleep pounds of ass still squeezes  into a  two-piece every. damn. summer. I even tried on a one-piece this summer and it just wasn't right, couldn't do it. Anyhoo, I shouldn't say "slave" because I'm an Injun' so it takes me two times in the tanning bed and then I'm outside most of the summer anyway with my twerp. Now, that kid is two different kinds of Injun so you should see how dark he gets...with his little white ass crack always hanging out. Always.

Then I just get white in the winter. Annnnnnnd, I will tell ya why. I should never go in the sun as much as I do because I have totally had Melanoma...yeah, TOTALLY can you believe it?! Caught it early because I have lots of moles and I saw a tiny, little black one on my leg that I never noticed before. Went to get it checked out, next thing I know Dr. Pasty Perfectskin is hacking away at my leg. Had to go in twice to get it all out. Guh-ross, I know. So this is why in the summer I wear so much sunscreen it's ridiculous. Ask all my freeeenz, I have always said, "The best tan you can get is SPF 50!" I'm darker than all them beeeeetches. Anyway, being in the sun/tanning bed/laying in a chair with an aluminum reflector board (I’m putting this last one there in speedos, yup) has been medically proven to cause skin cancer, so grab some shade once in awhile. This biz also causes other sorts of not-fun stuff. Like, getting a suntan moustache…don’t forget the upper lip, girls.

So I guess my advice is to do whatever the hell you want to do but don’t go overboard. I still tan a few times a year usually right before summer because I get all spring fever crazy (and I reeeeeally shouldn’t.) But, I do it because it makes me feel sexier when I’m in my shorty shorts and tank tops, and honestly it feels good to have a minute to yourself in that bed, for reals. But, it’s just like every other good thing in the world, you gotta have it in moderation. BLAH. However, self-control is especially important with tanning! Besides the health risks involved you also have these broads that look like they just had an all out wrestling match with Chester the Cheetah. I want to say, “Step out of the tanning bed, lady.” But not in a mean way…like, in a favor way…like when someone has something green in their teeth and you tell them.  Like that. Okay, I’m all over the place but what I’m trying to get across is do whatever makes you happy…in moderation. My take on life is that it is too damn short to not take risks and do what makes you happy. Every day like it’s the last YO…in moderation.

And…That is WHAT I THINK! HA!

TROLLING FOR HOGS

"So you're a chick...how do I get a chick to go out with me?"

Oh shit, I don't know. You could start by not calling us "chicks" and just open your mouth and ask her. HA! Seriously though, it took He Who Shall Never Be Named six months to get this broad to go out with him. He tried everything. He asked me to the movies, dinner, biking, etc. I turned him down over and over and over. I had bad break-up drama and serious baggage that I needed to work through first (not that you really need that particular info) but you know what finally did it for me? He said, "Okay, this is the LAST TIME I am asking you...will you go skiing with me this weekend?" And I thought to myself, "Really? The LAST TIME huh?!" Wellllll, alright then...and the rest is history. So if you really like this "chick," be persistent. If she starts being a bitch and gets a restraining order on you then back off buddy. Es no bueno, she doesn't like you and move on.

If you do grow a set and ask her to go out with you and she says yes, us "chicks" also like to be wined and dined...with flowers and door opening, all that cheesy shit. Some pretend they don't, but they do. Ask her to dinner, bring flowers when you pick her up, take her somewhere nice, and whatever you do...I'm going to say this again...whatever you do, DO NOT LET HER PICK UP THE TAB. Even if she insists on paying half. This happened to me with He Who Shall Never Be Named and it was a major turnoff because he literally made me pay for half almost every time we went to dinner because I insisted the first time. My fault. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. But his fault too for allowing it to happen. Good thing he was so good in the sack or he would have been dunzo by the third date (yes, I said third date).

Also, cater your dates to what she likes to do, which hopefully are similar to the things you like to do. For example, my man likes to hike up mountains, cycle, go to the river, etc. Outdoorsy biz, ya know. I like to do half of that jazz. Hiking up mountains...meh. Cycling, I love. Going to the river and floating a raft, I love. So he would ask me to do stuff we both liked and when it came to stuff he knew I wouldn't "love" he made it not so hardcore. For example, instead of taking me on a hike where I would almost die halfway through because my body wants whiskey and not water, he would take me on a hike that was almost on level ground and bring a flask :)

The best advice I can give you is to be yourself...even if you're an asshole, because eventually your real self is going to come out and she won't like you anymore if you've been faking all along. And, trust me when I say, there are plenty of idiot women (no offense to the assholes...or idiot women) that like to be with dudes that are assholes. I personally don't get it...probably something with their upbringing but that is a whole other blog entry.Good luck with the hog troll, buddy. And, don't forget STDs are no fun and some are incurable so don't forget the raincoat. And maybe even double up, it's a crazy, wild world out there.

And...THAT IS WHAT I THINK! HA!

FRACKAMAJAZZ PETERSON

“Why do people insist on naming their babies stupid names? I mean, do these people realize that their kids are going to be stuck with them FOREVER?!”

First of all, I think it is hilarious that you are asking a person that named her son MAXIMUS this question. Although, Maximus is a pretty bitchin’ name in my opinion.  And this is where I will begin…it is YOUR opinion that people are naming their kids something stupid. I’m sure other people like their friends’ stupid baby names. Don’t get me wrong, I get what you are saying. I know a few that have given their children some seriously out there names. And the WAY they are spelling them KILLS ME, too. But, who cares? Not me YO.  It’s not your kid that will have to explain to every teacher/friend they ever have how to pronounce it or spell it almost every day of their lives. It’s not your kid that will potentially be beaten up when they attend school in their later years because they have a “stupid” name. For example, my kid is named (not literally, of course) after an ass muscle, gluteus maximus. But, I figure by the time his peers figure out that little tidbit of information he will be in middle school and able to kick their asses. He is a Peterson/Baines, so here’s to hoping he can hold his own around then.

Plain and simple, it’s not your damn kid so let it go maaaaaaan. There is nothing you can do about it unless of course you want to offend someone. Annnnnnnnd, trust that I have done this and it doesn't end well. I made fun of a friend's new car one time and she was pissed at me (you know who you are HAHA). Can you imagine if I made fun of her kid's name?! So buck up and deal with the stupid baby names. You don't have to like the name, you can even hate it but you will put on your fake smile and say, "Oh what a....unique...name." Or you can go the other route and say, "Holy shit, for reals?!" I've done both and I'm just sayin' that the first one goes over waaaaaaaaay better. 

THREE'S COMPANY

"Is it normal to date a girl and be good friends with her best friend? For example, when her best friend spends the night and I find my boxers on her or when she uses my girlfriend's toothbrush and says it should be fine they are best friends. What do you think?"

Hey man, it worked for Jack Tripper, although I think he was secretly gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that...I digress. It sounds like you are semi-okay with this so I'm not sure where the problem lies. As long as you don't mind that her bestie is up in your grill wearing your clothes and potentially using YOUR toothbrush, then share the love homey. However, if you are not okay with the way things are headed then you should man up and say something to your lady. If you don't, you will surely end up hating her best friend. Which really is no good in the long run because if you start hating the best friend the girlfriend will be in the middle. You can't ask a chick to pick between her boy toy and her bestie, it just ain't right. But, you can ask the bestie to respect your boundaries. You and your girl need to get on the same page and set up some limitations.

Soooooo, I have to assume that as of right now your girlfriend is okay with this also? Her bestie always coming around wearing your undies and such? Because this makes me think that maybe your girly might be setting you up for some three way lovin'. No really, just think about it. Maybe your girlfriend plays for both teams bro and one of these nights they are both going to get you liquored up and take complete advantage of your skinny, white body. I know this doesn't sound half bad but trust me when I say that this little scenario doesn't usually play out the way you want it to. Before you know it, your girl and her bestie are leaving your pasty ass and taking half your stuff with them. Beware the menage a trois, my friend, BEWARE.......

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and he's moving into my apartment in June. I feel like this is going to "make it or break it." Any tips on how to make it work since I am completely independent, selfish, enjoy my own "space," and ridiculously organized!?"

Well, you "hit the nail on the head" (ohmygod, I am my mother) because this is the "make it or break it" stage of a relationship. If you can't co-exist in the same dwelling then what is the point? If you weren't thinking about taking this step by now then your relationship was probably doomed from the "get-go." (O.M.G. I am soooooo my mother.) However, I do want to commend you for waiting two years because you have already felt each other out. You should already know by now what he does that irritates the shit out of you, and vice versa. I hate it when peeps move in after they've known someone for a month and then when it doesn't work they cry about it. WAH. Sometimes it works, but more often than not...it doesn't.

The best advice I can give is that it's a game of give and take. And, it's imperative that you choose your battles. If he throws his stinky boy stuff any ol' place and that drives you crazay you have to cut him some slack the first month or two. You have to remember that he is getting used to you, too. I'm not saying you shouldn't ask him to NOT throw his crap everywhere, you absolutely should, because if you don't you will end up holding a grudge. Do keep in mind, however, that there are some things he will NEVER get and you will have to learn to live with it. Otherwise you will just end up nagging him to death and he will resent you. And this es no bueno.

Being independent you will find that you definitely still need your space. Seriously, nobody likes "that girl" or "that guy" anyway. Ya know the one...calling every five seconds, insecure, and distrustful. Nobody likes a Needy Nancy.  You just have to try not to lose your own identity. What's worked for me is I have a network of beezies that I can count on anytime, anywhere. If I need "a moment" I can get away and He Who Shall Never Be Named understands. As a matter of fact, I encourage him to do the same.

On the organization tip, I have funny story. And, well, you've made it this far so you might as well keep on going. He Who Shall Never Be Named moved in with me after two years also. I thought I knew everything about this guy. I mean, he started pooping with the door open for crying out loud. We moved in together and I found out the first week that the guy was a mild hoarder with a splash of OCD. You're not going to find 13 cat skeletons and a four month's worth of garbage when he moves outta somewhere. Totally the opposite actually. He is the most organized 29-yr old I've ever met. Yes, I said 29...HOLLAAAA. Anyhoo, his shit has a place...even the crap from 25 years ago that is in a box, covered in cobwebs and a layer of dust, that hasn't been looked inside of for probably 15 years. Yes, even THAT shit has a special place. I'm only telling you this because if Organization = Superman then I am Clark Kent...not quite there until I put on my cape. With his "guidance" I have become Molly Maid around here. HA! I actually pick up after myself now and then. And, every time (EVERY TIME), he says, "Thanks babe, for picking up...(fill in the blank because it could literally be anything)." It's called Positive Reinforcement...you should know this already ;)

I want to end this rant by telling you that we are ALL selfish. Patience, daniel-san, patience.

Good luck, my friend, on the new chapter in your life.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE DRAPES?

"So, just now while taking care of business I found my first gray pubic hair. Wondering what to do? Should I shave them all and run the risk of looking like a seven year old, color them, or just roll with being Santa with two elves?"

I hope by "taking care of business" you mean keeping that crazy, aging bush trimmed up. The 80s bush is so...1980s. Anyway, that's a whole other blog entry. Onto the subject at hand, the pube that stands alone...but probably not for long. Just sayin'. I'm going to say go with the flow, man. Let that little guy grow old gracefully ;) Shaving every other day will not only be uncomfortable but it's not going to hide those pesty gray pubes because the itchy stubble will also be gray sooooooo that's not going to work. The coloring of them would be a cool trick but if you decide to do this, you will have to color your happy trail, chest hair, mustachio, etc...you get the point. Where does it stop? I'll tell ya, it's doesn't. It will be a never ending cycle of being hunched over painting your junk with a dye brush for the rest of eternity. Or until you get sick of it and realize that it's just NOT RIGHT for an 85-year old to have a blond or black bush...or red. Ew. Besides, nobody is THAT vain...right???


And, that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

NEVER MAKE A PRETTY WOMAN YOUR WIFE

"If there is a guy who is pretty good looking, funny, but not over the top, and has his shit together, what possible characteristic is there that may deter women from dating him? I will include that yes, I do have high standards when it comes to looks, smarts, and personality in general. By announcing looks, one may say I'm shallow, but I am not looking for a trophy, just somebody who I find attractive. Do I need to lower my standards?"

You should definitely NOT lower your standards, but you may want to be realistic. If you are holding out for a Carmen Electra look-alike, you may be waiting awhile. When you are looking for someone who will potentially be your life long mate, you want to be physically attracted to them. HOWEVER, a lot of times...A LOT OF TIMES...I'm just going to say that again...a lot of times if you hang with someone you are not necessarily attracted to but she has all the other qualities you seek, you may become attracted to her. What is that bullshit saying again?? Oh yeah, "beauty is only skin deep." Now, apparently I am shallow as well because I don't necessarily agree with this. You have to be somewhat attracted in order for the rest to matter or else you will just end up with one hell of an awesome best friend...not a girlfriend.

I'm gonna give you some of my story...Why? You may ask. Well, because it's my blog and I can do whatever the fuck I want. He Who Shall Never Be Named was never someone I was completely attracted to. He is soooooooo not my type. Don't get me wrong, he is a good-looking man but there are things about him that didn't necessarily fit in with my type of guy. With that said, when we starting talking I liked him more and more. He makes me laugh so hard, he knows when to be tough and when to let me be tough, and he treats me how a woman should be treated. All of these things make me overlook the fact that his nostrils are so big he can fit two quarters in there. Or, that he wears work clothes constantly...even when he's NOT working. The fact is the guy grew on me...like a fungus :) Besides haven't you ever heard that song??!!

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you"


Now on the other matter, why a woman may not date a man even though he is good looking, funny, and has his shit together? You need to ask yourself this: Am I an asshole??? Because even if you looked like Brad fucking Pitt (back in '90 when he was still fresh-faced and Angelina Jolie hadn't suck dry his youthful spirit) and you are a bonafide asshole, the only hope ya got is that the Carmen Electra look-alike is really. really. dumb. And let's be real, that's only fun for a night or two.

And that is...WHAT I THINK!!!