FRACKAMAJAZZ PETERSON

“Why do people insist on naming their babies stupid names? I mean, do these people realize that their kids are going to be stuck with them FOREVER?!”

First of all, I think it is hilarious that you are asking a person that named her son MAXIMUS this question. Although, Maximus is a pretty bitchin’ name in my opinion.  And this is where I will begin…it is YOUR opinion that people are naming their kids something stupid. I’m sure other people like their friends’ stupid baby names. Don’t get me wrong, I get what you are saying. I know a few that have given their children some seriously out there names. And the WAY they are spelling them KILLS ME, too. But, who cares? Not me YO.  It’s not your kid that will have to explain to every teacher/friend they ever have how to pronounce it or spell it almost every day of their lives. It’s not your kid that will potentially be beaten up when they attend school in their later years because they have a “stupid” name. For example, my kid is named (not literally, of course) after an ass muscle, gluteus maximus. But, I figure by the time his peers figure out that little tidbit of information he will be in middle school and able to kick their asses. He is a Peterson/Baines, so here’s to hoping he can hold his own around then.

Plain and simple, it’s not your damn kid so let it go maaaaaaan. There is nothing you can do about it unless of course you want to offend someone. Annnnnnnnd, trust that I have done this and it doesn't end well. I made fun of a friend's new car one time and she was pissed at me (you know who you are HAHA). Can you imagine if I made fun of her kid's name?! So buck up and deal with the stupid baby names. You don't have to like the name, you can even hate it but you will put on your fake smile and say, "Oh what a....unique...name." Or you can go the other route and say, "Holy shit, for reals?!" I've done both and I'm just sayin' that the first one goes over waaaaaaaaay better. 

THREE'S COMPANY

"Is it normal to date a girl and be good friends with her best friend? For example, when her best friend spends the night and I find my boxers on her or when she uses my girlfriend's toothbrush and says it should be fine they are best friends. What do you think?"

Hey man, it worked for Jack Tripper, although I think he was secretly gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that...I digress. It sounds like you are semi-okay with this so I'm not sure where the problem lies. As long as you don't mind that her bestie is up in your grill wearing your clothes and potentially using YOUR toothbrush, then share the love homey. However, if you are not okay with the way things are headed then you should man up and say something to your lady. If you don't, you will surely end up hating her best friend. Which really is no good in the long run because if you start hating the best friend the girlfriend will be in the middle. You can't ask a chick to pick between her boy toy and her bestie, it just ain't right. But, you can ask the bestie to respect your boundaries. You and your girl need to get on the same page and set up some limitations.

Soooooo, I have to assume that as of right now your girlfriend is okay with this also? Her bestie always coming around wearing your undies and such? Because this makes me think that maybe your girly might be setting you up for some three way lovin'. No really, just think about it. Maybe your girlfriend plays for both teams bro and one of these nights they are both going to get you liquored up and take complete advantage of your skinny, white body. I know this doesn't sound half bad but trust me when I say that this little scenario doesn't usually play out the way you want it to. Before you know it, your girl and her bestie are leaving your pasty ass and taking half your stuff with them. Beware the menage a trois, my friend, BEWARE.......

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and he's moving into my apartment in June. I feel like this is going to "make it or break it." Any tips on how to make it work since I am completely independent, selfish, enjoy my own "space," and ridiculously organized!?"

Well, you "hit the nail on the head" (ohmygod, I am my mother) because this is the "make it or break it" stage of a relationship. If you can't co-exist in the same dwelling then what is the point? If you weren't thinking about taking this step by now then your relationship was probably doomed from the "get-go." (O.M.G. I am soooooo my mother.) However, I do want to commend you for waiting two years because you have already felt each other out. You should already know by now what he does that irritates the shit out of you, and vice versa. I hate it when peeps move in after they've known someone for a month and then when it doesn't work they cry about it. WAH. Sometimes it works, but more often than not...it doesn't.

The best advice I can give is that it's a game of give and take. And, it's imperative that you choose your battles. If he throws his stinky boy stuff any ol' place and that drives you crazay you have to cut him some slack the first month or two. You have to remember that he is getting used to you, too. I'm not saying you shouldn't ask him to NOT throw his crap everywhere, you absolutely should, because if you don't you will end up holding a grudge. Do keep in mind, however, that there are some things he will NEVER get and you will have to learn to live with it. Otherwise you will just end up nagging him to death and he will resent you. And this es no bueno.

Being independent you will find that you definitely still need your space. Seriously, nobody likes "that girl" or "that guy" anyway. Ya know the one...calling every five seconds, insecure, and distrustful. Nobody likes a Needy Nancy.  You just have to try not to lose your own identity. What's worked for me is I have a network of beezies that I can count on anytime, anywhere. If I need "a moment" I can get away and He Who Shall Never Be Named understands. As a matter of fact, I encourage him to do the same.

On the organization tip, I have funny story. And, well, you've made it this far so you might as well keep on going. He Who Shall Never Be Named moved in with me after two years also. I thought I knew everything about this guy. I mean, he started pooping with the door open for crying out loud. We moved in together and I found out the first week that the guy was a mild hoarder with a splash of OCD. You're not going to find 13 cat skeletons and a four month's worth of garbage when he moves outta somewhere. Totally the opposite actually. He is the most organized 29-yr old I've ever met. Yes, I said 29...HOLLAAAA. Anyhoo, his shit has a place...even the crap from 25 years ago that is in a box, covered in cobwebs and a layer of dust, that hasn't been looked inside of for probably 15 years. Yes, even THAT shit has a special place. I'm only telling you this because if Organization = Superman then I am Clark Kent...not quite there until I put on my cape. With his "guidance" I have become Molly Maid around here. HA! I actually pick up after myself now and then. And, every time (EVERY TIME), he says, "Thanks babe, for picking up...(fill in the blank because it could literally be anything)." It's called Positive Reinforcement...you should know this already ;)

I want to end this rant by telling you that we are ALL selfish. Patience, daniel-san, patience.

Good luck, my friend, on the new chapter in your life.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE DRAPES?

"So, just now while taking care of business I found my first gray pubic hair. Wondering what to do? Should I shave them all and run the risk of looking like a seven year old, color them, or just roll with being Santa with two elves?"

I hope by "taking care of business" you mean keeping that crazy, aging bush trimmed up. The 80s bush is so...1980s. Anyway, that's a whole other blog entry. Onto the subject at hand, the pube that stands alone...but probably not for long. Just sayin'. I'm going to say go with the flow, man. Let that little guy grow old gracefully ;) Shaving every other day will not only be uncomfortable but it's not going to hide those pesty gray pubes because the itchy stubble will also be gray sooooooo that's not going to work. The coloring of them would be a cool trick but if you decide to do this, you will have to color your happy trail, chest hair, mustachio, etc...you get the point. Where does it stop? I'll tell ya, it's doesn't. It will be a never ending cycle of being hunched over painting your junk with a dye brush for the rest of eternity. Or until you get sick of it and realize that it's just NOT RIGHT for an 85-year old to have a blond or black bush...or red. Ew. Besides, nobody is THAT vain...right???


And, that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

NEVER MAKE A PRETTY WOMAN YOUR WIFE

"If there is a guy who is pretty good looking, funny, but not over the top, and has his shit together, what possible characteristic is there that may deter women from dating him? I will include that yes, I do have high standards when it comes to looks, smarts, and personality in general. By announcing looks, one may say I'm shallow, but I am not looking for a trophy, just somebody who I find attractive. Do I need to lower my standards?"

You should definitely NOT lower your standards, but you may want to be realistic. If you are holding out for a Carmen Electra look-alike, you may be waiting awhile. When you are looking for someone who will potentially be your life long mate, you want to be physically attracted to them. HOWEVER, a lot of times...A LOT OF TIMES...I'm just going to say that again...a lot of times if you hang with someone you are not necessarily attracted to but she has all the other qualities you seek, you may become attracted to her. What is that bullshit saying again?? Oh yeah, "beauty is only skin deep." Now, apparently I am shallow as well because I don't necessarily agree with this. You have to be somewhat attracted in order for the rest to matter or else you will just end up with one hell of an awesome best friend...not a girlfriend.

I'm gonna give you some of my story...Why? You may ask. Well, because it's my blog and I can do whatever the fuck I want. He Who Shall Never Be Named was never someone I was completely attracted to. He is soooooooo not my type. Don't get me wrong, he is a good-looking man but there are things about him that didn't necessarily fit in with my type of guy. With that said, when we starting talking I liked him more and more. He makes me laugh so hard, he knows when to be tough and when to let me be tough, and he treats me how a woman should be treated. All of these things make me overlook the fact that his nostrils are so big he can fit two quarters in there. Or, that he wears work clothes constantly...even when he's NOT working. The fact is the guy grew on me...like a fungus :) Besides haven't you ever heard that song??!!

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you"


Now on the other matter, why a woman may not date a man even though he is good looking, funny, and has his shit together? You need to ask yourself this: Am I an asshole??? Because even if you looked like Brad fucking Pitt (back in '90 when he was still fresh-faced and Angelina Jolie hadn't suck dry his youthful spirit) and you are a bonafide asshole, the only hope ya got is that the Carmen Electra look-alike is really. really. dumb. And let's be real, that's only fun for a night or two.

And that is...WHAT I THINK!!!

LOVE IS BEING STUPID TOGETHER

"How would you define true love and do you really have control over it?"

Control love?! I wish!!! There are a lot of lost days and nights that I could have back if we could control love. That would be great though, wouldn't it?! If there was an ON/OFF switch for love???!!! You could be heartbroken one second and then POOF, flip that switch and you are all better :) Love is a beautifully complex thing and it wouldn't be if we could define it or control it. On that note, how do we know we are falling in love? 

Do you feel butterflies when he/she walks in the room?

So many butterflies that you feel like you're going to barf?

Do you smile and laugh a lot? 

Laugh so hard that you almost pee your pants?

Does this person make you feel good about yourself?

So good that it doesn't matter what clothes you're wearing or if you have make-up on?

Is this person constantly on your mind?

So much that you can't focus on anything?!

Do you think about your future with this person?

Like marriage, kids, buying a home together...getting a dog?

Do you try to be a better person for this guy/girl?

For instance, not beating up your ex's new girlfriend/boyfriend? ;)

Do you feel like you found your best friend?

Someone that you would do anything for and in return would do anything for you?

Is it the best sex you have ever had in your life?

I'm talking blow-your-socks-off sex where you're still thinking about it the next day? 

Although all of these things are tell-tale signs of falling in love, the most important and probably the major giveaway is if you can't imagine your life without this person in it. Because if you can't...then I gotta say, you're probably in LOVE. And when the butterflies fade and you know all their faults and you STILL love them...I guess that would be TRUE LOVE <3

IT'S NOT YOU...IT'S ME...OKAY, IT'S A LITTLE BIT YOU

"With a few months remaining until I make a move to a new place to continue my education, the thought 'to stay together or take a break' crosses my mind...For no other reason than distance, would I opt to put the kibosh on our relationship? Only because I am concerned that not being in the same state will put strain on the relationship like never before and certainly limit my options to sample to dessert bar while in a new city. What is your take on long-distance relationships" 

The fact that you are even questioning it makes me want to say BREAK UP. I mean, think about it...if you were passionately in love with this person you wouldn't even think twice about staying together and trying to make it work. You definitely wouldn't already be thinking about sluttin' it up in the city, girl!! However, I have a feeling you need someone to step in and say what you apparently can't :) I personally don't see how peeps make long-distance romance work. Don't get me wrong, nude picture messaging, phone sex, and naughty Skyping all sound (and are) super fun but what about when you go to bed without arms around ya?! Orrrrr when you are having the shittiest of all shitty days and you don't have that someone to brush the tears off your face, take you to dinner, and get you wine drunk to take the pain away?!  There is just something about having your special someone there to lean on emotionally, physically, and most important...sexually!

Which brings me to the next two reasons long-distance relationships can sometimes work or not: SEX and TRUST. There obviously is this "not knowing" part of long-distance relationships. When the jealousy creeps in and takes over your every thought, and most likely his, too. When you hear a chick in the background of your phone call and he insists it was the T.V. and you are just being paranoid...annnnd you're not sure. Or, even worse, when he calls you and you are having some new friends over and he asks you about them and sensing his suspicion you downplay the hotness of the guy that keeps eying you up. And, you really don't mind that the newbie is eying you up because it's been two months since you had any kind of hanky-panky and he is a delicious piece of man candy. You already said yourself that you may need to "sample the dessert bar."

Sooooo there ya go...I personally don't know anyone that has had a successful long-distance relationship but I'm sure it happens all the time. I guess it just depends on how much you love and trust this person and whether you will stay faithful and in love until you reunite. You could always try it out for a couple months and see how it goes. And, remember...if you do take a break prior to moving, this person may or may not wait around for you. So you need think about how you will feel if you see him with some other broad. Also, a word to the wise, if you are thinking about stringing him along until you WHOOPS accidentally fall on a penis, you should think twice. This NEVER ENDS WELL. You will not only devastate someone you love but you will ruin any friendship the both of you shared. Good luck!

And, that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!