IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and he's moving into my apartment in June. I feel like this is going to "make it or break it." Any tips on how to make it work since I am completely independent, selfish, enjoy my own "space," and ridiculously organized!?"

Well, you "hit the nail on the head" (ohmygod, I am my mother) because this is the "make it or break it" stage of a relationship. If you can't co-exist in the same dwelling then what is the point? If you weren't thinking about taking this step by now then your relationship was probably doomed from the "get-go." (O.M.G. I am soooooo my mother.) However, I do want to commend you for waiting two years because you have already felt each other out. You should already know by now what he does that irritates the shit out of you, and vice versa. I hate it when peeps move in after they've known someone for a month and then when it doesn't work they cry about it. WAH. Sometimes it works, but more often than not...it doesn't.

The best advice I can give is that it's a game of give and take. And, it's imperative that you choose your battles. If he throws his stinky boy stuff any ol' place and that drives you crazay you have to cut him some slack the first month or two. You have to remember that he is getting used to you, too. I'm not saying you shouldn't ask him to NOT throw his crap everywhere, you absolutely should, because if you don't you will end up holding a grudge. Do keep in mind, however, that there are some things he will NEVER get and you will have to learn to live with it. Otherwise you will just end up nagging him to death and he will resent you. And this es no bueno.

Being independent you will find that you definitely still need your space. Seriously, nobody likes "that girl" or "that guy" anyway. Ya know the one...calling every five seconds, insecure, and distrustful. Nobody likes a Needy Nancy.  You just have to try not to lose your own identity. What's worked for me is I have a network of beezies that I can count on anytime, anywhere. If I need "a moment" I can get away and He Who Shall Never Be Named understands. As a matter of fact, I encourage him to do the same.

On the organization tip, I have funny story. And, well, you've made it this far so you might as well keep on going. He Who Shall Never Be Named moved in with me after two years also. I thought I knew everything about this guy. I mean, he started pooping with the door open for crying out loud. We moved in together and I found out the first week that the guy was a mild hoarder with a splash of OCD. You're not going to find 13 cat skeletons and a four month's worth of garbage when he moves outta somewhere. Totally the opposite actually. He is the most organized 29-yr old I've ever met. Yes, I said 29...HOLLAAAA. Anyhoo, his shit has a place...even the crap from 25 years ago that is in a box, covered in cobwebs and a layer of dust, that hasn't been looked inside of for probably 15 years. Yes, even THAT shit has a special place. I'm only telling you this because if Organization = Superman then I am Clark Kent...not quite there until I put on my cape. With his "guidance" I have become Molly Maid around here. HA! I actually pick up after myself now and then. And, every time (EVERY TIME), he says, "Thanks babe, for picking up...(fill in the blank because it could literally be anything)." It's called Positive Reinforcement...you should know this already ;)

I want to end this rant by telling you that we are ALL selfish. Patience, daniel-san, patience.

Good luck, my friend, on the new chapter in your life.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE DRAPES?

"So, just now while taking care of business I found my first gray pubic hair. Wondering what to do? Should I shave them all and run the risk of looking like a seven year old, color them, or just roll with being Santa with two elves?"

I hope by "taking care of business" you mean keeping that crazy, aging bush trimmed up. The 80s bush is so...1980s. Anyway, that's a whole other blog entry. Onto the subject at hand, the pube that stands alone...but probably not for long. Just sayin'. I'm going to say go with the flow, man. Let that little guy grow old gracefully ;) Shaving every other day will not only be uncomfortable but it's not going to hide those pesty gray pubes because the itchy stubble will also be gray sooooooo that's not going to work. The coloring of them would be a cool trick but if you decide to do this, you will have to color your happy trail, chest hair, mustachio, etc...you get the point. Where does it stop? I'll tell ya, it's doesn't. It will be a never ending cycle of being hunched over painting your junk with a dye brush for the rest of eternity. Or until you get sick of it and realize that it's just NOT RIGHT for an 85-year old to have a blond or black bush...or red. Ew. Besides, nobody is THAT vain...right???


And, that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

NEVER MAKE A PRETTY WOMAN YOUR WIFE

"If there is a guy who is pretty good looking, funny, but not over the top, and has his shit together, what possible characteristic is there that may deter women from dating him? I will include that yes, I do have high standards when it comes to looks, smarts, and personality in general. By announcing looks, one may say I'm shallow, but I am not looking for a trophy, just somebody who I find attractive. Do I need to lower my standards?"

You should definitely NOT lower your standards, but you may want to be realistic. If you are holding out for a Carmen Electra look-alike, you may be waiting awhile. When you are looking for someone who will potentially be your life long mate, you want to be physically attracted to them. HOWEVER, a lot of times...A LOT OF TIMES...I'm just going to say that again...a lot of times if you hang with someone you are not necessarily attracted to but she has all the other qualities you seek, you may become attracted to her. What is that bullshit saying again?? Oh yeah, "beauty is only skin deep." Now, apparently I am shallow as well because I don't necessarily agree with this. You have to be somewhat attracted in order for the rest to matter or else you will just end up with one hell of an awesome best friend...not a girlfriend.

I'm gonna give you some of my story...Why? You may ask. Well, because it's my blog and I can do whatever the fuck I want. He Who Shall Never Be Named was never someone I was completely attracted to. He is soooooooo not my type. Don't get me wrong, he is a good-looking man but there are things about him that didn't necessarily fit in with my type of guy. With that said, when we starting talking I liked him more and more. He makes me laugh so hard, he knows when to be tough and when to let me be tough, and he treats me how a woman should be treated. All of these things make me overlook the fact that his nostrils are so big he can fit two quarters in there. Or, that he wears work clothes constantly...even when he's NOT working. The fact is the guy grew on me...like a fungus :) Besides haven't you ever heard that song??!!

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you"


Now on the other matter, why a woman may not date a man even though he is good looking, funny, and has his shit together? You need to ask yourself this: Am I an asshole??? Because even if you looked like Brad fucking Pitt (back in '90 when he was still fresh-faced and Angelina Jolie hadn't suck dry his youthful spirit) and you are a bonafide asshole, the only hope ya got is that the Carmen Electra look-alike is really. really. dumb. And let's be real, that's only fun for a night or two.

And that is...WHAT I THINK!!!

LOVE IS BEING STUPID TOGETHER

"How would you define true love and do you really have control over it?"

Control love?! I wish!!! There are a lot of lost days and nights that I could have back if we could control love. That would be great though, wouldn't it?! If there was an ON/OFF switch for love???!!! You could be heartbroken one second and then POOF, flip that switch and you are all better :) Love is a beautifully complex thing and it wouldn't be if we could define it or control it. On that note, how do we know we are falling in love? 

Do you feel butterflies when he/she walks in the room?

So many butterflies that you feel like you're going to barf?

Do you smile and laugh a lot? 

Laugh so hard that you almost pee your pants?

Does this person make you feel good about yourself?

So good that it doesn't matter what clothes you're wearing or if you have make-up on?

Is this person constantly on your mind?

So much that you can't focus on anything?!

Do you think about your future with this person?

Like marriage, kids, buying a home together...getting a dog?

Do you try to be a better person for this guy/girl?

For instance, not beating up your ex's new girlfriend/boyfriend? ;)

Do you feel like you found your best friend?

Someone that you would do anything for and in return would do anything for you?

Is it the best sex you have ever had in your life?

I'm talking blow-your-socks-off sex where you're still thinking about it the next day? 

Although all of these things are tell-tale signs of falling in love, the most important and probably the major giveaway is if you can't imagine your life without this person in it. Because if you can't...then I gotta say, you're probably in LOVE. And when the butterflies fade and you know all their faults and you STILL love them...I guess that would be TRUE LOVE <3

IT'S NOT YOU...IT'S ME...OKAY, IT'S A LITTLE BIT YOU

"With a few months remaining until I make a move to a new place to continue my education, the thought 'to stay together or take a break' crosses my mind...For no other reason than distance, would I opt to put the kibosh on our relationship? Only because I am concerned that not being in the same state will put strain on the relationship like never before and certainly limit my options to sample to dessert bar while in a new city. What is your take on long-distance relationships" 

The fact that you are even questioning it makes me want to say BREAK UP. I mean, think about it...if you were passionately in love with this person you wouldn't even think twice about staying together and trying to make it work. You definitely wouldn't already be thinking about sluttin' it up in the city, girl!! However, I have a feeling you need someone to step in and say what you apparently can't :) I personally don't see how peeps make long-distance romance work. Don't get me wrong, nude picture messaging, phone sex, and naughty Skyping all sound (and are) super fun but what about when you go to bed without arms around ya?! Orrrrr when you are having the shittiest of all shitty days and you don't have that someone to brush the tears off your face, take you to dinner, and get you wine drunk to take the pain away?!  There is just something about having your special someone there to lean on emotionally, physically, and most important...sexually!

Which brings me to the next two reasons long-distance relationships can sometimes work or not: SEX and TRUST. There obviously is this "not knowing" part of long-distance relationships. When the jealousy creeps in and takes over your every thought, and most likely his, too. When you hear a chick in the background of your phone call and he insists it was the T.V. and you are just being paranoid...annnnd you're not sure. Or, even worse, when he calls you and you are having some new friends over and he asks you about them and sensing his suspicion you downplay the hotness of the guy that keeps eying you up. And, you really don't mind that the newbie is eying you up because it's been two months since you had any kind of hanky-panky and he is a delicious piece of man candy. You already said yourself that you may need to "sample the dessert bar."

Sooooo there ya go...I personally don't know anyone that has had a successful long-distance relationship but I'm sure it happens all the time. I guess it just depends on how much you love and trust this person and whether you will stay faithful and in love until you reunite. You could always try it out for a couple months and see how it goes. And, remember...if you do take a break prior to moving, this person may or may not wait around for you. So you need think about how you will feel if you see him with some other broad. Also, a word to the wise, if you are thinking about stringing him along until you WHOOPS accidentally fall on a penis, you should think twice. This NEVER ENDS WELL. You will not only devastate someone you love but you will ruin any friendship the both of you shared. Good luck!

And, that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

KILL YOUR TELEVISION

"This is going to sound silly but...My husband and I actually fight over the television. What we are going to watch, when we are going to watch it, what is recording, when our kids can have a turn...on and on and on. It has started happening almost EVERY night. How can I fix this?"

When I first read this question I actually laughed out loud (yes people, LOLd) because He Who Shall Never Be Named and I have had this very same fight. And, we have three freaking T.V.s!!! So, you should be happy to know that you are not alone in this one. However, we nipped it in the bud. Don't get me wrong, we will still argue about it from time to time but way less frequently then before. This happened for a few different reasons. First and foremost, we respect each other's choices in regards to recording television shows. If I have something recording he best not be turning that jazz off. He learned this one the hard way when a certain someone only caught 17 minutes of her favorite Law and Order...and so this certain someone completely erased his upcoming episode of Dirty Jobs. Because of this pettiness we recognized that we need to have consideration for the other person's request to record their show. Ya know what else I started doing is recording random shows during the day that I know he will like just so when I am watching something he can go in the other room to watch what I recorded for him. Which brings me to my next solution: get a second T.V. I know that times are tough right now but for your own sanity get another damn television set. This will help with the kids having their "turn" too. I don't know how ya have done it this long without a second one...not kidding. And, my last piece of advice is to TURN THE FUCKING THING OFF. That simple. If it is causing your relationship and family this much strife then play a boardgame yo. Go outside and plant a garden. Get a hobby. You are probably short circuiting every last brain cell you have! Because let's be real here, life is too short to be fighting about trivial shit like who gets to watch what on T.V.

And, that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

"My 12-yr old son came up to me yesterday and asked me about sex. I told him I was busy but that I would talk to him about it later. It's just that he took me by surprise and I didn't know what to say. But, what should I say?"

I'm thinking you should feel pretty good that your kid feels comfortable enough with you to even ask!!! I mean, think about it...did you ask your parents?! I sure as hell didn't. A lot of kids are taught that sex is a "dirty word" and any conversation that has S-E-X in it is "bad." I think you should be grateful that your child gave you this opportunity instead of you having to muster up the courage to do it yourself. Especially since it's obvious you are a giant wuss and this much needed conversation probably never would have taken place.

It's hard to give advice about this subject because everyone is different. But, I guess I can tell ya what I would do. I haven't gone in depth with my son about sex because he is only 10-years old. Don't get me wrong, we have dabbled. But, we have only talked about some of the consequences really, like getting pregnant. For example, one time I made him watch part of Teen Mom because a 16-year old twit was standing there crying with two babies in her arms and I wanted him to see how babies can be an end result, without actually saying how :) Anyway, I intend on telling him that sex is something great that happens when two people are in love. I wish somebody would have told ME that one. Because out of all the people I have slept with (and we will leave it at "plenty") I can count how many of them I loved on one hand. Sad, but true. I also plan on telling him about protection. Where to get it, how to put it on, and how you should NEVER have sex without it. I am even going to go as far as talking about masturbation and orgasms with him. Now listen y'all, I'm not saying I am going to go out and get the kid a porn package, complete with KY and anal beads. I'm just saying that if we don't talk to them about every aspect, someone else will. And, by "someone else" I mean their hoodrat friend whose motto is, "Go for it, man." Anyway, I have been easing into all of this sex business because he is only ten and I don't want him too be freaked out about it. Frankly, I don't even want him to think about it that much. Having sex on the brain every 90 seconds will come with time...I figure I still have a couple of years before that batch of gray hair comes in.

And, that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!