HAPPY NEW YEAR BITCHES

As I contemplate 2012, I think of all the mistakes people have made. Not mine of course, yours. So here goes my first, of hopefully many, offensive blog entries of 2013.

If your face is a different color than your neck and/or hands you need to ease up on the bronzer, honey. It's not a good look. Those head band thingees that you wear around the top of your head are also not a good look. It was barely cool in the 70s. If you have a tendency to get drunk and proceed to hop on Facebook, keep it up. It's hilarious when you make a fool out of yourself. If you have a good picture of yourself you need not post it more than once. We get it, you think you're pretty darn cute, but by the fifth time of posting it you have officially killed it and its not cute anymore. Now I am guilty of posting (hilarious) ecards...however, if you are posting one after the other after the other allllll daaaaaay loooooong you are just forcing people to cut you out of their newsfeed. Nothing worse than going to check out your peeps and having to wade through dozens of cheesy, inspirational quotes. Kill me. I also feel I need to address the people that take pictures of themselves in a mirror in a dirty bathroom. You need some friends, dude. Anyway, you're not that cute and your bathroom is filthy. Pick up a scrub brush and get to work. You don't have time to take pictures of yourself, you have some cleaning to do. If your name is not Julie Denney, don't tell me "good night." Nobody cares that you are going to bed. Again, except for Julie. I really need to see her say "good night" in order for me to have a restful sleep. I think you already know how I feel about peeps posting pictures of their food. However, I realize that people must be pretty proud of that jazz to post a damn plate of canned peas next to some taters and a chicken leg. So bizarre but I've had to let it go. Not everybody's food can be as pretty as mine. "Like" Jesus if you love him? Bullshit. Jesus doesn't give two fucks about Facebook. Grow up. I saw one the other day that said "like if you're over 10-yrs old" AND SOMEBODY LIKED IT. Really?! And please, quit with those annoying political posts...BAH! Just playin'. I love that shit. Because why? Because it is important and Facebook is a perfect social networking site to hash it out with other like-minded folks. Get over it or unfriend me. Can we talk about hash tags for a second? If you are not on Instagram then there is no need for you to have a goddamn hash tag in front of everything (#YOLO). "Checking In" at an airport is rude. You are just rubbing it in our faces that you get to go somewhere and we don't. We get it already. You are cooler than us because you can travel. I hate you. If I have unfriended you on Facebook it's really not personal. So don't be all crazy when I see you. It just means that I literally cannot deal with you on a daily basis. Also, I need some of y'all to stop being such goddamn hypocrites. Posting that you "love your amazing husband" when we know your relationship is in shambles just makes you look like an idiot. Besides if you married the guy we already know you love him. Isn't that how it works? And for God's sake, can y'all buy yourselves a dictionary and learn how to fucking spell? I mean, in this day and age if you don't know how to spell something, you can look it up on several devices in your home. I'm sure of it.

And HEY, I know I'm not perfect. This new year of 2013 I'm going to try and eat less sugary foods and exercise more. I'm going to quit whiskey and cigs. I'm going to be nicer to people. I'm going to quit cursing.........seriously, fuck off if you believed any of that. I'm practically perfect in every way. Now, I'm going to go eat a doughnut while sitting on my fat ass in front of the TV because I drank entirely too much last night. I am going to quit whiskey though...I think it's tequila's turn. Yup.

And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!

MAMA MIA

“My mom had me when she was 15-yrs old. She has always been more like a sister…competitive, nasty, and MENTAL. I just got married and have a 7-yr old plus a new baby at home and she is acting nasty and jealous. I am of the opinion that she has no place in my life anymore. I don’t want to set my sons up to be let down by her like I was. My husband disagrees. He thinks she is my mother and therefore I have to put up with her shit. So whaddya think?”

I feel ya on the painful mom tip…however I do not have the same problems because I put my mom in her “mom” place. I love her dearly, I mean she’s my mom, but I disagree with your husband. I DON’T have to put up with her shit. It’s funny because she does this same crap to my sister but not to me because I will look at her and say, “No, Mom. This is none of your business.” And then I smile and walk away. It seems to work. You don’t have to agree with her and your family is just that, YOURS. So I agree with you in the way that if she is causing friction within YOUR family structure than spend less time with her. Get ya some distance, girl. With that said, she is still your mom. A lot of times when it feels like she is up your ass, like literally all the way up your ass to her shoes, she is probably thinking her advice is “for your own good.” Ya know, regardless of her being young when she had you, she still nutted up and raised you. You know, you have two children now. I think that sometimes the best way to get an answer to any problem is to put the shoe on the other foot. Put yourself in her situation and see how you would deal with it differently then bring it to her like this…from her perspective. 

I know moms are a pain in the ass but we need to be kind and tolerant of our mothers, they tolerated us. Especially if you think back and realize that your parent(s) wiped your shitty ass when you crapped your pants (every day for yeeears), they did things like help get the gum out of your hair when you fell asleep with it in your big dumb mouth, they (hopefully) made sure you had a roof over your head for most of your life, and they helped shape you into who YOU are because you were too stupid to know any better. That is how I see it. If your parents did any of the things listed above then you owe them. Soooooo…suck it up and deal. 

IF YOU LOVE THEM, SET THEM FREE

“I’m kind of dating two girls…I know, I know, I’m a bad person. I have to figure this out though because one of them has given me an ultimatum. She is going to move on if I don’t commit.”

You are not a “bad person” because you are dating two girls. As long as you aren’t married, you haven’t defined the relationship with either of them, and you wrap that shit up. Seriously, throw a condom on...maybe two, depending on who it is you are dating. For real though, I “like” about 42 different guys. Forty one of them are rockstars, actors, athletes, and hot doctors. Yes, hot doctors…what’s not to like? Anyway, there is nothing wrong with liking more than one person at a time. I honestly believe the human species is probably not supposed to be monogamous. You don’t have to act on it but inside everyone is interested in more than one person. I have to say though, whenever I am given an ultimatum, I’m out. It’s just so needy. I feel like if you have to throw out an “or else” then something is already not working. Why would you want to start off a relationship when you have to work at it right off the bat? That’s no fun. Annnnd, that is what relationships are supposed to be…FUN. Of course, I am so low maintenance when it comes to this biz. I dated a guy once, we lived a couple of hours away from each other, and he kept saying, “How are we going to make this work?” I replied with, “How about we don’t worry about that and just do this until it isn’t fun anymore?” Because when you put too many stipulations on a relationship it becomes more of a business agreement and not spontaneous and free like it should be. So with that said, here is a checklist for you since you apparently HAVE TO decide.

CHECKLIST:

·         Does one make you laugh more than the other?

·         Is one a better kisser than the other? Better at sex? This is right up there with laughing…

·         Does one of them get along better with your family and friends? This is also an important one.

·         Does only one of the two give you blowjobs? Go a couple of years without one and you’ll see how important this one is.

·         Is one more high maintenance than the other?

·         Is one more compatible to your way of thinking?

·         Like the same music?

·         Does one take a better after morning Polaroid?!?!?!  (SHOUT OUT, DAN!!)

If you still can’t figure it out after the pros and cons checklist then you need to grow some balls and tell Ultimatum Girl to kick rocks. If she really likes you, she’s not going anywhere. How does that saying go? Set it free, if it loves you it will come back or some shit? I would go with that theory because if you’re not feeling it 100%, and you obviously aren’t or you wouldn’t be sweating it, then what is the point?! 

KIDLESS PARENTING

“Why do people without kids feel the need to give me advice about mine?”

First, I would need to know whether this happens to you a lot. If people are constantly coming up to you and giving you the lowdown on how your kids are acting then I would say the answer is simple: your kids are assholes. Seriously, if you have friends and random strangers telling you they can’t believe the way your kids are behaving then you have a problem. Just because people don’t have any kids of their own doesn’t mean they don’t have legit advice. For example, I have only had that happen to me ONCE and it was a friend that couldn’t believe I was letting my kid talk to me the way he was…and this friend was right. I ended that shit quick.

Now, if there are just a couple of friends who are kidless and saying crap like, “When I have a kid I will never let them stay up this late” or “when I have a kid I will never let them have soda” then I get it, that is superduper annoying. People without kids can’t have an opinion on those things because they have NO IDEA what they will do “when they have a kid.” It’s not like parenting comes with a manual, although it should. Unfortunately, being a parent is a lot of learn-as-you-go and nobody is perfect. Besides this is life and there are things you cannot control. Such as, your shithead sister giving your kid a bowl of sugar cereal they aren't allowed to have. Orrrrr your kids going to a friend's house and staying up all night playing that game they aren't supposed to play. People that don't have kids and think they have it all figured out are fooling themselves. 

So, when these peeps do this to you just tuck that shit into the back burner of your brain for when their time comes. Ya know, the time when they are finally parents and you see them shoving candy and inappropriate television shows in their kids’ faces just to shut them the fuck up for five minutes. Trust that this will happen and you can say “Remember that time you said…” You can sit back and laugh because the whirlwind of parenthood just might hit these people right in the kisser...and when it does, they won’t know what hit them.

And that is…WHAT I THINK! HA! 

WHO'S THE BOSS?!

"So I have a friend that I help out by watching her young children, one of which is a special needs child. I have been having them three days a week ranging from 4 to 8 hours each time. When she asked me to watch them she said she would pay me $30 a day unless I had them less than 6 hours, then it would go down to $20. Then she said a week later that if I only have two of her kids then it would be $20 no matter what. Anyway, she just called me last night and said that the day I had all three of her kids, fed them a snack AND dinner, but only had them for 3.5 hours, she is only going to pay me $15 for that day. So she is pretty much getting free babysitting. I am being taken away from my family so much and feel used. Get this, NOW she wants me to drive them to her mom's house which is 15 miles away but still only pay me $15-20 for that day. I have decided that I am the one letting this happen to me. SO today will be the day I tell her what's up...but how?!"

Well, first of all you hit the nail on the head when you said, "I am the one letting this happen to me," because it sounds like she is the one making all the rules. Since when does that happen?! I don't remember EVER taking my child to a babysitter or daycare and saying, "Okay, this is how its going down bitches." Okay, okay, I probably have done that :) However, this is what I would do...and I guess you want to know because you asked me. HA! I would tell her tonight (or tomorrow, no pressure) that you need to talk to her about the babysitting situation y'all have going on. Before you say anything, you need to write down EXACTLY what you want: the hours, the money exchanged, the food prepared, the driving around, etc. And, I have to say I can't believe you would agree to the driving around part. I mean, unless she reeeeeeally needs you to do that, in which case I would make it part of the agreement that she pays extra moolah those days for gas. Furthermore, why can't her mother come get the kids herself?! What the frackety-frack is that all about?! Anyway, I digress...

When you sit down with her let her know that you have no intentions of fighting or getting into a heated discussion about the content of what you are about to say. You have to say this because you are obviously friends with her and this could be a make-it or break-it convo for the ol' friendship. I would tell her that you have a "contract" that you have written up and before she goes all ape shit on you tell her that you are willing to compromise on some things and prepared to negotiate...unless of course, you are not. And, in that case good for you, you have officially grown balls. Then I would tell her straight up that when you told her you would watch her kids you had the best intentions but that you feel as though it has taken a wrong turn somewhere and you are starting to feel taken for granted...this would be when your carefully thought out and FAIR "contract" comes in. YOU tell her what you will be paid, YOU tell her whether you will be driving her kids around, YOU tell her the hours you are available. Telling people how you feel and how it is going to be (especially when you can) is very, very liberating. I'm telling ya, you will feel like a stronger woman. Of course, it could also go to your head like me...I'm a total power tripper now :) If you guys cannot find a common ground or she turns into a major bitch then tell her, "Sorry lady, your footprints are all up and down the back, front, and side of me and I'm DONE. Good luck finding somebody to watch your brats." (I threw in "brats" because all of them really are, I am just the only one that will say it.)

Hopefully, all goes well and if it were me I would have everything neatly written (or even typed) and a place for her to sign at the bottom. I mean, for reals, that is what you have to do at ANY daycare. Then give her a copy and you keep a copy. I know the hardest part for you is the confrontation but it doesn't have to be loud or awkward. I know you can do it, just be your kind self and if she is a bitch.........meh, turn the other cheek. She has enough problems it sounds like and losing you as a friend will be HER loss. Good luck!!!

BURNT CHEETOS

“I tan on a pretty regular basis because I like to maintain my glow year 'round. But, sometimes my friends will either give me shit because I'm so dark or give me shit about skin cancer. What is your take on tanning?"

I used to be a slave to the tanning bed when I was younger. Dude, do you know why?! Because tan fat looks better than white fat, and that is a fact. That's why my bleepety-bleep-bleep pounds of ass still squeezes  into a  two-piece every. damn. summer. I even tried on a one-piece this summer and it just wasn't right, couldn't do it. Anyhoo, I shouldn't say "slave" because I'm an Injun' so it takes me two times in the tanning bed and then I'm outside most of the summer anyway with my twerp. Now, that kid is two different kinds of Injun so you should see how dark he gets...with his little white ass crack always hanging out. Always.

Then I just get white in the winter. Annnnnnnd, I will tell ya why. I should never go in the sun as much as I do because I have totally had Melanoma...yeah, TOTALLY can you believe it?! Caught it early because I have lots of moles and I saw a tiny, little black one on my leg that I never noticed before. Went to get it checked out, next thing I know Dr. Pasty Perfectskin is hacking away at my leg. Had to go in twice to get it all out. Guh-ross, I know. So this is why in the summer I wear so much sunscreen it's ridiculous. Ask all my freeeenz, I have always said, "The best tan you can get is SPF 50!" I'm darker than all them beeeeetches. Anyway, being in the sun/tanning bed/laying in a chair with an aluminum reflector board (I’m putting this last one there in speedos, yup) has been medically proven to cause skin cancer, so grab some shade once in awhile. This biz also causes other sorts of not-fun stuff. Like, getting a suntan moustache…don’t forget the upper lip, girls.

So I guess my advice is to do whatever the hell you want to do but don’t go overboard. I still tan a few times a year usually right before summer because I get all spring fever crazy (and I reeeeeally shouldn’t.) But, I do it because it makes me feel sexier when I’m in my shorty shorts and tank tops, and honestly it feels good to have a minute to yourself in that bed, for reals. But, it’s just like every other good thing in the world, you gotta have it in moderation. BLAH. However, self-control is especially important with tanning! Besides the health risks involved you also have these broads that look like they just had an all out wrestling match with Chester the Cheetah. I want to say, “Step out of the tanning bed, lady.” But not in a mean way…like, in a favor way…like when someone has something green in their teeth and you tell them.  Like that. Okay, I’m all over the place but what I’m trying to get across is do whatever makes you happy…in moderation. My take on life is that it is too damn short to not take risks and do what makes you happy. Every day like it’s the last YO…in moderation.

And…That is WHAT I THINK! HA!

TROLLING FOR HOGS

"So you're a chick...how do I get a chick to go out with me?"

Oh shit, I don't know. You could start by not calling us "chicks" and just open your mouth and ask her. HA! Seriously though, it took He Who Shall Never Be Named six months to get this broad to go out with him. He tried everything. He asked me to the movies, dinner, biking, etc. I turned him down over and over and over. I had bad break-up drama and serious baggage that I needed to work through first (not that you really need that particular info) but you know what finally did it for me? He said, "Okay, this is the LAST TIME I am asking you...will you go skiing with me this weekend?" And I thought to myself, "Really? The LAST TIME huh?!" Wellllll, alright then...and the rest is history. So if you really like this "chick," be persistent. If she starts being a bitch and gets a restraining order on you then back off buddy. Es no bueno, she doesn't like you and move on.

If you do grow a set and ask her to go out with you and she says yes, us "chicks" also like to be wined and dined...with flowers and door opening, all that cheesy shit. Some pretend they don't, but they do. Ask her to dinner, bring flowers when you pick her up, take her somewhere nice, and whatever you do...I'm going to say this again...whatever you do, DO NOT LET HER PICK UP THE TAB. Even if she insists on paying half. This happened to me with He Who Shall Never Be Named and it was a major turnoff because he literally made me pay for half almost every time we went to dinner because I insisted the first time. My fault. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. But his fault too for allowing it to happen. Good thing he was so good in the sack or he would have been dunzo by the third date (yes, I said third date).

Also, cater your dates to what she likes to do, which hopefully are similar to the things you like to do. For example, my man likes to hike up mountains, cycle, go to the river, etc. Outdoorsy biz, ya know. I like to do half of that jazz. Hiking up mountains...meh. Cycling, I love. Going to the river and floating a raft, I love. So he would ask me to do stuff we both liked and when it came to stuff he knew I wouldn't "love" he made it not so hardcore. For example, instead of taking me on a hike where I would almost die halfway through because my body wants whiskey and not water, he would take me on a hike that was almost on level ground and bring a flask :)

The best advice I can give you is to be yourself...even if you're an asshole, because eventually your real self is going to come out and she won't like you anymore if you've been faking all along. And, trust me when I say, there are plenty of idiot women (no offense to the assholes...or idiot women) that like to be with dudes that are assholes. I personally don't get it...probably something with their upbringing but that is a whole other blog entry.Good luck with the hog troll, buddy. And, don't forget STDs are no fun and some are incurable so don't forget the raincoat. And maybe even double up, it's a crazy, wild world out there.

And...THAT IS WHAT I THINK! HA!