As I contemplate 2012, I think of all the mistakes people have made. Not mine of course, yours. So here goes my first, of hopefully many, offensive blog entries of 2013.
If your face is a different color than your neck and/or hands you need to ease up on the bronzer, honey. It's not a good look. Those head band thingees that you wear around the top of your head are also not a good look. It was barely cool in the 70s. If you have a tendency to get drunk and proceed to hop on Facebook, keep it up. It's hilarious when you make a fool out of yourself. If you have a good picture of yourself you need not post it more than once. We get it, you think you're pretty darn cute, but by the fifth time of posting it you have officially killed it and its not cute anymore. Now I am guilty of posting (hilarious) ecards...however, if you are posting one after the other after the other allllll daaaaaay loooooong you are just forcing people to cut you out of their newsfeed. Nothing worse than going to check out your peeps and having to wade through dozens of cheesy, inspirational quotes. Kill me. I also feel I need to address the people that take pictures of themselves in a mirror in a dirty bathroom. You need some friends, dude. Anyway, you're not that cute and your bathroom is filthy. Pick up a scrub brush and get to work. You don't have time to take pictures of yourself, you have some cleaning to do. If your name is not Julie Denney, don't tell me "good night." Nobody cares that you are going to bed. Again, except for Julie. I really need to see her say "good night" in order for me to have a restful sleep. I think you already know how I feel about peeps posting pictures of their food. However, I realize that people must be pretty proud of that jazz to post a damn plate of canned peas next to some taters and a chicken leg. So bizarre but I've had to let it go. Not everybody's food can be as pretty as mine. "Like" Jesus if you love him? Bullshit. Jesus doesn't give two fucks about Facebook. Grow up. I saw one the other day that said "like if you're over 10-yrs old" AND SOMEBODY LIKED IT. Really?! And please, quit with those annoying political posts...BAH! Just playin'. I love that shit. Because why? Because it is important and Facebook is a perfect social networking site to hash it out with other like-minded folks. Get over it or unfriend me. Can we talk about hash tags for a second? If you are not on Instagram then there is no need for you to have a goddamn hash tag in front of everything (#YOLO). "Checking In" at an airport is rude. You are just rubbing it in our faces that you get to go somewhere and we don't. We get it already. You are cooler than us because you can travel. I hate you. If I have unfriended you on Facebook it's really not personal. So don't be all crazy when I see you. It just means that I literally cannot deal with you on a daily basis. Also, I need some of y'all to stop being such goddamn hypocrites. Posting that you "love your amazing husband" when we know your relationship is in shambles just makes you look like an idiot. Besides if you married the guy we already know you love him. Isn't that how it works? And for God's sake, can y'all buy yourselves a dictionary and learn how to fucking spell? I mean, in this day and age if you don't know how to spell something, you can look it up on several devices in your home. I'm sure of it.
And HEY, I know I'm not perfect. This new year of 2013 I'm going to try and eat less sugary foods and exercise more. I'm going to quit whiskey and cigs. I'm going to be nicer to people. I'm going to quit cursing.........seriously, fuck off if you believed any of that. I'm practically perfect in every way. Now, I'm going to go eat a doughnut while sitting on my fat ass in front of the TV because I drank entirely too much last night. I am going to quit whiskey though...I think it's tequila's turn. Yup.
And that is...WHAT I THINK! HA!
